Illlusion of Happiness

Illusion is defined as "an erroneous mental representation".

Continue with us as we look at Ms. Happiness in the study of Behind Those Eyes. Hold on tight as we look at what some see as the holy grail: happiness. As always, I'm writing this before ever looking at anyone else's post from our study with with Lelia. I'm probably out in left field as I tend to view things in such different ways than others. Is there a chapter on Ms. Uniqueness? ha

Ironically enough as Lisa mentioned, our standards for happiness aren't really that high. Some of the simplest and smallest things can truly make us happy. Why? For the most part, we want even the simple things to go smoothly. We enjoy the simple rewards. Getting through a green light. Having the trash taken out. No back talk from the children. Cooking dinner without any burning the food.

Lisa talked about how we want to seek the source. I had to laugh as she is right. We look for the source of a rotten smell in the garage. We look for the source of a large bang outside our door. We look for the source of a cell phone ringing in church! She says: Our natural tendency is to look for the source of things to satisfy our curiosity and to help us gain a better understanding of our current situation. Oh is that ever true of me. For one, I am a very curious person and I like to know why things are the way they are.

The same is true when we are seeking happiness. We can look to different sources at different times in our life to find happiness. I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but unfortunately, it will never happen. Lisa says: She [Ms. Happiness] is the outward personification of a jovial girl, even thought she is still searching for its inward source. Though able to act happy, since she has never truly found the root of happiness , she is forced to continue looking for it in places it will likely never appear.

There is such value in digging to find the source of joy. Joy is a priceless, precious treasure. It's a rarity and to find the source is to find the pot of gold. It is important to find the real source because until we do, we'll continue to search in the wrong places, consuming our energy, and wasting our time. We will fill our lives with all the wrong things that won't only not bring us joy but can bring us harm.

Do you agree it is our hypocrisy and self-focus that drains us?
Absolutely. Focusing on ourselves is very draining. It is better to give than to receive. That is so true. We can feel so good when we are focused on doing for others and on the needs of others. It is liberating. To focus on our needs and fulfilling our desires just drains the life out of us. Our desires will never be satisfied. It is an endless pit. I believe God made it and us that way for a reason. That is, He made the end result of focusing on ourselves as never satisfying and negative and the experience of focusing on others as positive and fulfilling. Lisa says: We will never be fulfilled when our focus is constantly on us. Often, the more we invest in ourselves, the emptier we feel. The more time you spend thinking about you, the less satisfied you are with yourself or anything else.

Is there a correlation between the lavish lifestyles in the United States versus less fortunate countries regarding happiness? As a whole I believe those in less fortunate countries are much happier. They learn to live with little so they appreciate so much more. To have more is to want more. I have not seen a country like the U.S. so spoiled with so much...too much. There is too much available in this country. To be consumed and lavished with so much has stripped us of the simple pleasures of life. We are too dependent on simple things such as electricity, cable, water, heat, lights, etc. Trust me...I like me some electricity but the recent outage from Ike just showed the deep dependency of it.

Is what you see is truly what you get in regards to Ms. Happiness?
No, it is not. Happiness is not the goal. It should not be the motivator. Happiness is not all that it's cracked up to be. It comes and goes depending on our circumstances. We can be happy at work and miserable at home. We can be happy at church and unhappy at choir. We can be happy at Susie's recital and unhappy at Bobby's game.

Is what others see in me truly what they are getting when they really get to know me? I believe so. What I say, feel, believe--my heart content--is real. Do I at times pretend to be happy and more okay with my life than I am? Yes. Because it is what's needed...what others need. People do not want to be around an unhappy person all the time. Lisa says: Could it be that like Ms. Happiness, we act happy on the outside to please others, silently leaving us to hurt on the inside? Amen, sister. However, if someone takes the time to really get to know me, then I am upfront and honest about my life and the level of happiness in my life. I have never been one to be able to fake perkiness. If I'm jolly, perky, happy, and laughing then it is real. It is real happiness if only for those 2.2 seconds. I've never felt that I falsely put on Ms. Happiness' face but rather at times I do hide Ms. Unhappiness' sad face.

Solomon's struggles are highlighted in Ecclesiastes 2. It is packed with truth. Chasing pleasures and wisdom are meaningless like folly and toil. Solomon tried so many things: wine, folly, projects, gardens, slaves, animals, silver, gold, singers. Do you think he found satisfaction or happiness upon seeking each of those? No. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure...yet, when I surveyed all my hands had done and what I toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after wind. Ecc. 2:10-11 Just as we can chase the wind and never catch it, we can seek happiness and never truly obtain it.

Let me try to explain what some might perceive as doom and gloom negative talk about happiness.

I will never forgot a sermon given earlier this year in which my pastor announced: "I am not a happily married man." Ugh. Everyone gasps inside. "To be happily married means circumstances happen to be happy in my marriage...rather I am a joyfully married man." Whew. This along with what he said following stuck with me. God is not concerned with our happiness but rather our joy. He wants us to be filled with joy and could careless if we are happy.

I have since given up on my quest for happiness. I do not believe it is truly something obtainable and definitely not for extended periods of time. Maybe this is my state of mind in this season of my life but I don't have a concern for happiness any longer. Happiness comes and goes. Rather, I desire to have a purposeful and positive life regardless if my circumstances happen to be happy. Along with that purpose and positivity, I desire peace and joy. Lisa's challenge question was a challenge to find strength to post the honest answer. After all, I am a child of God, the lover of my soul. Do I have true joy? If not, what is standing in my way?

To be honest, I would have to say no. Either I'm looking for a "feeling" of joy or I just don't know how joy should appear. I just know it doesn't "feel" as thought I am joy-filled.

Circumstances will come and go. There will be bad. There will be good. Some moments will be filled with happiness. However, instead of spinning my wheels and chasing the wind to be happy, I desire to be filled with His joy.

To have joy is to have disregard for our circumstances.
Joy comes regardless of life's situations.

All this I know to be true. So, why do I still "feel" as though I do not have joy? I can only surmise that the deep pain of my life and current trials are filling the spots that God desires reserved for His joy. I anticipate that when my pain lessens and my healing increases, then that spot reserved for joy will be filled with its rightful fruit. Some may say that I should have joy amidst my pain. That very likely is true. Don't get me wrong, I do have bits and pieces of it. I do have joy in knowing there is a purpose in my pain. However, I would not feel right holding back some honesty in this study that is intended to get behind my eyes. If I could do a quick 1-2-3 to "feel" that consistent joy, peace, and contentment I'm suppose to have, I'd already be on 4-5-6 to get it.

I believe with a continued pursuit of Christ and in time, it will come. He will fill my heart with peace and joy as He releases my pain and weeds out more and more of my hurts. I pray He does because they are two fruits of His Spirit that I desire to dwell in my spirit (Galatians 5:22)

Of the five joy scriptures Lisa gave us, this one relates best to my life as it is now. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11

I leave you with one last quote from Lisa. The true and lasting source of our happiness comes from the joy that fills our hearts and overflows into the paths of those around us. When we go to the real Source of joy, we find the answers we need to secure our contentment in life forever.

In Pursuit of Joy (not happiness),

Confident Confidence

What do you think of when I say "confidence"? Do you know some who display genuine confidence and some that are not so genuine, or rather portrayed? Confident confidence, if there is such a thing beyond the Dictionary of Paula, could be genuine confidence...being confident in your confidence.



Through the study of Behind Those Eyes, I'm coming to realize I have mixed emotions when pondering this word of confidence, what it means to others, in society, and to me. Chapter three in this online study with Lelia is called Ms. Confidence.



The first scripture that came to mind during this reading nd repeated itself in my head is 1 John 5:14-15. I remember memorizing this some years ago in a some Bible study but boy has it stayed with me. It also goes along with the residing theme in my life the last 15 months....asking, believing, receiving. It's a bit of a tongue twister but meditate on this a bit. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.
I find it odd that this scripture came to mind, considering the context of this chapter is not in that direction. I guess I will take that as the Almighty Father speaking to me OR maybe one of YOU need those verses.

I was looking up scripture and another verse "popped" of the page. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13. Wow. Maybe this is a personal message to me (and most likely one of you)...a message of reassurance of His goodness that will prevail in my life and situation...and YOURS. Of course this verse just happens to precede a favorite of mine. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14 I just love scriptures that remind me to wait as I am in a long season of waiting amidst the pain.

So, let's look at some of those brain-churnin' questions Lisa asks us. What does having confidence mean to me? Well, I thought I knew until I read this chapter and saw a different view of it. Having confidence to me is seemingly different than what this chapter has explained. Or rather, this chapter properly defined confidence. However, the confidence I desire is not one that is concerned with the outward appearance by others. I don't particularly care if a person "sees" me as confident but rather I desire to "feel" confident within my self...my looks, appearance/clothes, purpose, skills, ability to perform, do a good job, share my thoughts, speak up for what's right, about my relationships, etc. I want to look good for me. I want to excel at work for me. I want to live with purpose for me. I want to be kind to others for me. Does this make a lick of sense? I guess because at times I feel my self-esteem is so low that I am just concerned with raising my own view of myself. I am my own worse critic.

Is there a difference between true confidence and impersonated confidence? Absolutely. True confidence, or as I've labeled it--confident confidence--is being sure of oneself. Someone who has assurance of who he/she is. Impersonated confidence is just a huge mask for insecurity. They are total opposites. One is secure and one is insecure. Of course, as Christians, our assurance and confidence must come from God but we can also feel secure in ourselves, in our skin, in our abilities (provide by God).

To what degree does fear of rejection play into Ms. Confidence's role-playing? I guess fear of rejection could be a significant part of Ms. Confidence. Since I don't aspire to be confident for the benefit of others--that is to mold their opinion of me--then I'm unsure. I don't recall ever portraying confidence because of fearing rejection. But after I read the other blogs, maybe it will jar my memory.

Lisa challenged us to give our own new definitions of six words. At first, I struggled with this. Then with each word, it seemed a scripture or part of scripture came to mind and thus a "definition" followed.

Fearless
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
I am fearless because He gives me no reason to fear.

Strong
The Lord is my strength and shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. Psalm 28:7a
I am strong by His strength.

Empowered
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:16b
I am empowered by prayer.

Independent
My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Psalm 62:7
I am independent IN Christ alone; outside of Christ I am dependent on Him.

Emotionally Healthy
But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness...Matthew 6:33
I am emotionally healthy when I put Him first and above all else.

Accomplished
In his heart a man plans his course, but God determines his steps. Prov. 16:9
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
I am accomplished when His plans, and not mine, are fulfilled in my life.

The B.Y.E (Behind Your Eyes) questions...
Do I believe I really need only God?
Yes, I do. We really do only need God. Do I struggle with this? Yes, because I desire other people in my life and certain relationships, whether it be spousal, children, girlfriends, family. As women, I think we all desire deep relationships with other women. Most women probably desire a husband and kids. So, I desire to have these relationships but I know now that I don't NEED them. In the human heart, at least for me, it can be difficult to draw the line between desire and need when in comes to certain relationships. I have lived my life feeling I needed others to survive to the point of feeling I'd die without another person. God has proven me extremely wrong. I think until we believe God is all we need, God may shut down, remove, or alter some relationships until we receive the revelation that He r.e.a.l.l.y. IS a.l.l. we need.

Has the fact that I really need only God been tested in my life? Are you kidding, Lisa? That would be a resounding y.e.s.! When my marriage failed and the one believed (still) to be my divine other-half was gone, I didn't know if I could survive. I remember those times of losing my breath, sleepless nights, panic feelings, anxiety, indescribable emotions that I never want to experience in that intensity again. I didn't know how I'd live without this great love God had finally provided me after six long years of waiting. However, God has shown me His love is greater and can sustain the absence of human love, no matter how great, deep, and divine that human love. I am still not absent of deep pain and hopeful desires but neither am I of His love and sufficiency.

The final challenge question didn't seem to be a challenge for me so now I'm wondering "did I get the right answer?"
Is is hard to admit my vulnerabilities in general and to God? Oddly enough, no. I definitely have no problem admitting them to God. For goodness sake, if I don't who will help me? I tell Him in faith that He will make up where I fall weak. Yes, I can admit my vulnerabilities to others also. Through this trial of mine, I have been pretty open on an individual level. I think I've been vulnerable by making certain statements in this post. Though I'm reserved on this open format of a blog, I trust the Lord to use my openness privately, even if I'm too open at times. He is my protector and will shield me from those moments of giving too much of myself.

Confident in Him,

Laced With Grace

You can find me here today.

Any comments left there will be forwarded to me.

His Sweet Blessings to You!

CWO: Internet Cafe Devotion

You can find me here today. Any comments left there will be forwarded to me.

If you haven't yet read my post about Ms. Perfection from our online study of Behind Those Eyes, see the post below.

Even if you are not studying with us, please read it and feel free to comment.

His Sweet Blessings to You!

Perfection is Not Real

Continue with me as we examine Ms. Perfection from chapter two of Lisa Whittle's Behind Those Eyes....

I have to say, after reading this chapter on Sunday, I thought "I have nothing to contribute." Once again, I'm hit with the reminder that I am no one's wife (legally) and I am no one's mother. Hit with those feelings of being the "odd one out" and the one who "doesn't have", I felt rebellious (maybe angry) over not having anything to contribute to this chapter. Don't get me wrong. It is not that I don't struggle with trying to do things perfectly. I do but not in the ways and areas described in the book...in the mother and wife roles and all that those roles entail.

Back up a little because before I read Ms. Perfection, I thought I'd have a lot in common with this chapter as I've always called myself a perfectionist.
I am the one who can literally see an extra space typed in a document or on the web.
I am the one who perfects the neat and orderly.
I am the one who does not like grass clippings in the flower beds (getting better).
I am the one who cleans up while cooking, even at the expense of burning the food (at times).

So with all that, I thought this chapter would just yell my name.

As I walked Monday night, I asked the Lord to give me something to share and to speak to me through the study questions, of which I had not done yet.

Speak, He did! It seems it is the questions that get my juices flowing from places truly unknown. So it is the result of those juices that I will share here.

I could only guess what makes us want people to see us as perfect. Maybe it is our desires to be perfect, to be praised, to be recognized by others. I think a lot of it is our own expectations of ourselves. We want to get it all done, not only to look good to others but to feel good in ourselves. Or it can be to hide our faults and failures, not only from others but from ourselves by denial. It can be painful to admit and reveal failure, pain, and sin. I do not know why another person's opinion matters to us but it does.

I want my nieces to feel I'm the best aunt.
I want my supervisors to feel I'm an outstanding employee and asset.
I want my friends to feel I'm open, available, and truly there for them.
I want my family to feel I love them the way they need.
I want my co-workers to feel I'm friendly and helpful.

I genuinely want these things and these people to feel and see these traits in me. God willing they will, most of the time. :-)

But in the end, it does not really matter what others think of me. I recall a conversation I had with a good friend several years ago. I told her I wish I could know exactly how others see me. She said "no you don't because the opinion of another person doesn't change your value." Amen? Yet, as humans, it still does matter. Plus, I still say I want to know because if there is an overriding negative characteristic that others see, I want to change it.

It is more important to recognize perfection is not possible so that we will stop trying to achieve it. To run after something impossible (perfection) means to fall into automatic disappointment. To expect perfection is to always expect failure. We will never measure up to perfection. It's really a waste of energy, time, and focus.

I love how Lisa said "But in her quest for perfection she has worked herself into a bad mood."
Oh how I remember those days. We have to quickly get groceries, be home by x time, cooking dinner will take x minutes. We'll have x time for yard work and then have to be at this place at this time. If any of that alters, what shall I do? Yes, it still happens but not as much because it's just me and less constraints. Living single can have that ONE benefit but I'd still trade it for my marriage ANY day.

Lisa asked us to "think of a woman in scripture who suffered from the perfection syndrome." Before she even suggested it, Martha immediately came to mind. No, Martha's attitude is not harmless. It's just the same when we are focused on a clean house, laundry, to do list, timelines, errands, and don't take the time for the real meaning in life - Christ, family, and others. What about the dad who pushes away little Johnny because of the work he brought home?. Or the mom busy with making dinner on time and not looking at little Sally's art project? That's what Martha was doing. So, yes, Martha's work, work, work attitude can be very harmful and depleting of those precious moments...like sitting at Jesus' feet. ahaa

Portraying perfectionism in any relationship will automatically set us up for unmet expectations. To portray perfection means to imply that perfection will come to pass. When it does not, disappointment arises and conflicts sprout.

Lisa spoke of her friend Tiffany who said "I have learned that peace comes from my relationship with Christ, not my weight, my clothing size, what car I drive, or how many church functions I attend." It is so true. I get caught up in my weight, my looks, approval of others, being liked by others, etc. and in reality none of that amounts to a hill of beans compared to my relationship with Christ. Those things can actually take away from my relationship with Christ. Being liked by another person will not give me peace because there's always yet another person who I'll want to like me. Loosing weight won't give me peace as I'll always want to be even skinnier. Having that perfect and easy hair do won't give me peace as I'll quickly tire of that too. However, we can never tire of Christ, His peace, and His presence. We can't get enough, can we? As long as we continue to strive in His character and grow in His love, our relationship with Him will never tire. It will always sustain. It will always fulfill. We have to trust Him to be our everything when we have nothing. I have to trust Him to be MY everything when I FEEL I have nothing.

In her challenge question, Lisa asked "is it more important for you to be seen as perfect in a certain area...or seen as real?" I absolutely do not want to be seen as perfect in any area. I feel perfection builds a wall. That is, when we see a woman as perfect, we cannot fully relate and connect with her. I want others to see me as real, reachable, and relatable. God cannot use perfect people nor can He use perfection in any area. Think about it, how does the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend encourage another person? If a person is perfect, then she's never endured the struggles and trials so how can she relate and help those in the depths of turmoil and pain?

I want to be a woman with faults and weaknesses so that others can relate to me and reach out to me. I want to be that "As Seen on TV" product that when brought home, it really does work as seen on tv. (Kind of like the Ped Egg...I hear it is fabulous.)

"To all perfection I see a limit; but your commands are boundless." Psalm 119:96

Revealing the Imperfect,

Go to Lelia's to see other participants' blogs and comments.

The Truth Be Told

Does the word truth scare you or excite you? The truth can be scary...sometimes to tell it and sometimes to hear it. Yes, the truth hurts but THE Truth heals.

In our online Bible study (hosted by Lelia) of Lisa Whittle's book Behind Those Eyes, we begin with chapter one "The Truth Hurts". As I began to write this post, I pondered on the television show Moment of Truth. If you ask me, that show is a disgrace that lines right up there with Swing Time. Yes, we are to be honest humans but there is a time and place for it. With millions of watchers, chancing for $500,000, is not the time to tell your husband that you don't want kids with him because he may not be the one. Come on. That's as low as sharing one's spouse on Swing Time. Trust me, I like me some tv but a minute or two of these and enough is enough. If I have to find out on national television the truth of my spouse luring at another with bedrooms eyes, then let me pay you $500,000 to keep your truth.

Okay, so that really isn't the kind of truth that I believe Lisa is referencing but I couldn't help but to think of this world's truth.

I loved the piece Lisa wrote titled Talking About Nothing. So, here's the truth...I don't like talking about nothing. You know...the conversations just to be pleasant. The person who walks into your office just wanting an ear on which to chew, seriously about nothing. You can tell when a person is making up words to just speak. I admit I have done this before when I just want to commune with someone. Yet, I long to talk about meat and not milk. I had never thought about my dislike for casual conversation until reading this section. Lisa hit it on the nose when she said her and her hair stylist were "talking about topics". That's it, I thought to myself. I don't like talking about topics either. Usually, if I do it is to get at a deeper root...that is to really know that person. I am the queen of questions and so if I ask a topical question or initiate a topical conversation, it is because I want to know more about that topic regarding that person.

When Lisa spoke about "females impersonating females", she said "We've perfected the fake laugh and the token smile." Yes, I admit I have a token smile, a fake smile. However, I'm pretty stingy with my laughs. For me to laugh, it is genuine. At times, embarrassing because of the loud haahhh that comes before it. The fake smile comes with our hiding our feelings right? I know it does for me. Those times when it does no good to disagree with another or to speak against what is being said. Why? Lisa says "our past experiences lead us to believe it is in our best interest to keep our true feelings inside." There have been many times I've kept my true feelings hidden. Has it been helpful or hurtful? I would suspect it's been helpful to the relationships and other people yet hurtful to myself. The truths kept hidden are situations where I see wrong occurring or where words and actions have hurt me. I don't want to be open and truthful to release my hurts just to in turn hurt the other person(s).

When we keep our true feelings hidden are we actually pretending or are we doing what's best? Lisa wrote about being Born Pretenders. Oh how this section reminds me of my two young nieces (5 and 7). They LOVE to pretend like no other little girls, especially the older one. Pretend to be a baby. Pretend to work. Pretend to be mommy (of her sister). Pretend to be Hannah Montana. Oh how I greatly dislike her pretending to be like another person. I try to express to her how she is unique and wonderful without being someone else (a blonde or a star or whomever). Unlike Lisa who was hiding her pretending (of winning the pagent crown) from her dad, my nieces love to pretend and don't care who watches.

"Make no mistake about it: women are yearning for something real. We're hungry for truth and authenticity. We crave honesty. We want someone to cut through the fluff and get to the bottom line." Lisa mentioned Dr. Phil and I once watched him for a period of months. Ironically at a time in my life when I was pretending. Pretending all the issues would go away. Pretending things would be okay. Pretending God would magically appear (like Lucky Charms). Pretending it wasn't that bad. Pretending I wasn't emotionally dead. Pretending I wasn't that deep in pain.

What you're after is truth from the inside out. Psalm 51:6 MSG. Lisa challenged us by asking if this is true in our lives and if we recognize the need for greater authenticity in the world and our relationships. Amen and Amen, yes! I'm trying to be real in my relationships without scaring people away. I believe my personality of being raw and real about my life and my feelings can be scary and maybe "too much" for others. I'm a rather "deep" person and for some maybe it can come across too deep and not light-hearted enough. It's there, trust me!! (My niece asked me why I have "tootles" at the end of my cell phone greeting...that's why...balancing depth with light-heartedness.) In my relationships, I try to create an atmosphere to pull out the authenticity of others--giving them the opportunity to be real and share the good, the bad, and the ugly without fear of rejection, judgment, or the town hearing it. I'm not accusing anyone of being "fake" but rather wanting to show people that it is safe to be authentic and real with me. I believe many women hide their true feelings and their authenticity because we don't know with whom it is safe to lay our heart and soul. We've all been burned, some beaten it feels, by the pain of relationships...and from other women at that. I desire to be real with others and thus them real with me. Society is not use to the realness of people - the raw, the real, the reality of human flaws and weakness. Rather, we're taught to hide the real, which is the weakness, sins, and flaws. We are to be strong, flawless, pure, without blemish. Per society, anyway. The Truth is, Jesus can only use the weak, the flawed, the blemished, the damaged. So that is what I want to be so I can be used by Him.

Lisa asked us how we define authenticity and how we see it. I wrote in my book genuine, real, what you see is what you get. Sometimes, it can be hard and deceiving to discern authentic people in our lives and to know "how" to see it. However, I base it on words, actions, intensity of words, expressions, tone, and the such. Of course, with longevity comes better discernment. I've never really pondered on the authenticity in others much but this really has me thinking about how I need to pray for discernment of authentic people in my life. Those who truly seek out to befriend me who care about me beyond the surface and regardless of what they find beneath. It's amazing how a trial in one's life really does reveal those true friends, those friends whose authenticity is revealed.

Wow...Lisa's last challenge question...what is your deepest soul craving? My deepest soul craving at FIRST thought...if you know me, you know what it is...a restored and thriving relationship with someone for His glory. However, at deeper thought, it would really be to have a deeper relationship with God, deeper longing, deeper knowing of God, His plan, and His desires for me as His child--not as someone's friend, wife, daughter, sister, co-worker. But, as His servant, His child, His beloved.

Just Tellin' the Truth,

Recognizing That I Recognize

Where do I begin? I never knew how close Ike could be to us Hoosiers. I live in southern Indiana and boy in all my life I've never seen the effects of a hurricane so close and so devastating in this area. It is not typical to feel a hurricane in Indiana but Ike sure has had its day with us.

What began as a Sunday afternoon planned with activities with family and nieces turned to days of very unexpected devastation and adjustment. Even as we finished our church service in the dark I thought nothing of it. We had emergencies lights so we could partake of the Lord's supper, give our offering, sing our praises, and all is well that ends well. We proceeded through town and everything was fine. Our lunch destination of Pizza Hut had been planned, grandma had been invited, and major cravings stirring for their special--salad bar, drink, and personal-size pizza. We met, we sat, we laughed, we drank, we ate. We ate salad. Our pizza never came because Ike came full force. Sunday at 12:30 was only the beginning. As we sat in Pizza Hut and watched shingles fly from the CVS roof, my anxiety began. "Oh Lord, my house is for sale, I cannot endure any damage, even lost shingles, on my house."

We only feared at this time that all electricity was gone at our houses. Instead of enjoying a day at my mom's, looking at reunion pictures online, chatting with the little ones, and maybe catching a family movie on tv, my gramma decided to head home. As I entertained my nieces in my mom's house, several times, I heard my mom yell for us to come here. The first time was for the swing that tipped over but the second...oh my. The second was for the tree that split in half and landed on the patio with only the top leaves and branches grazing the house. Then the work began. Even with 70 mile an hour winds, we were out there cutting the tree and dragging it to the street for eventual pick up.

The day lingered as we tried to entertain two little ones (5 and 7) with no electricity and not much non-cooking food.

All Sunday I felt such worry and heaviness in my heart. I pleaded with the Lord asking Him to please favor me and spare me any damage to my house or property since it is for sale. I have nine large trees in my yard and my property borders a small forest. I envisioned one of those trees in my garage, on my roof, through a window, damaging my house or deck. I feared the shingles of my 14 year old home gone. What would I do? Who would hurridly help me? Could I get anyone to fix the shingles, or repair the roof. Having one's house on the market is very stressful. It must always be in tip-top shape.

On my way home, the lines into about three (out of ten) fast food joints were unbelievable. Probably 25 cars and an hour wait in each. Again, I thought of my fridge and cupboards barely coveting anything not requiring cooking. I arrived home about 8:30 just as dusk was approaching. I went around back. "Oh, praise you, Jesus, I see no trees down and no major damage."

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. Psalm 20:1

Again, I was fretting about my whine down time. I have trouble falling asleep and I wondered how I would fare with no tv to aid my drowsiness, no fan to quiet my soul as I fell into bed, and no A/C to cool my body. I could do this though. I gathered my Bible and my Bible study book. I nestled onto the couch after opening all the windows upstairs only (safety you know). With my lantern beside me, and my books in hand, I had the most precious time with the Lord. I even began to be a little chilly and grabbed for the couch blanket. Reflecting back it was a very surreal moment. I was able to get drowsy at a decent time. I didn't have my fan to quiet my soul into sleep but I had some crickets and nature outside my window. I did not have my air conditioner but I had the very unusually cool night breeze.

...put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 1 Timothy 6:17b

I woke around 9:00 Monday morning. "Oh, praise you, Jesus. What provider You are. I survived and slept better than I had ever dreamed I could without electricity." God surely blessed me in this night. Another day without electricity and it was reported by the electric company it would still be 3-4 days more. Whatever would I do. How bad is this going to be. Our little town was reported to be one of the four hardest hit in our area according to the power source.

My workplace was closed so I got dressed and made my way to my mom's to visit with my girls. I thought I'd stop at one of the fast food joints that had been open Sunday night but boy was I surprised when I drove down the strip. Nothing was open. The ones previously opened were not but another that was previously closed was now open. I read the Bible as I waited in the drive-thru of Wendy's to get my chicken sandwich.

Again, I tried to have a lazy day with my nieces, not focusing on my own house. I should have been home picking up limbs and branches but thought time would be better spent with the girls since they would be heading home Monday night. Though most fast food chains were closed, the department stores were open. Okay. Say what? Strange but okay.

Early that evening I made my way to Wal-mart to get some non-cooking food. Bread for pbj sandwiches, chips, nuts, fruit. As I saw all the people passing me with their cold items--milk, meat, frozen items--I felt my spirit grunt. How dare them be in the store gloating by buying perishable items and making it known they had electricity. I continued with a bad spirit getting my necessities to survive. I drove all over town for water and batteries never to find batteries.

I arrived home about 6 pm...dreading how I'll spend the time in silence, no heatable food, no air condition, no lights, no tv for crying out loud. I did not bother with the garage door but entered through the side. As I entered, I saw the red lights on my phone and answering machine. My eyes immediately went to the microwave to find the two dots blinking. I whispered to myself "do I have electricity?" I flipped on the light switch to see my lights appear. I pushed my garage door button to see my door open. I stood in awe. How could this be? It's suppose to be days. I had already called work and told them to cancel the interviews I had for Tuesday because I would not be there without electricity at my house.

I unloaded my non-cooking food and ventured out to see the damage out side. It was more limbs, twigs, branches than I had originally thought. But, as I was squatting in the front flower bed, I whispered "Why Lord? Why have you blessed me so much, in so many ways?" I just kept saying over and over "Why Lord, Why?" I said this in my heart with the upmost respect and appreciation. I was in awe of why He would do this for me. I'm sure there are households with children without power and necessities. It was reported there were more power outages from this storm than the MASSIVE tornado we had in 1974.

Oh how I praised my Jesus and I'm still praising Him. My mom is still without electricity. My supervisor is without electricity. There are many without electricity and it is reported some could be without power until this Saturday. We have also been under a boil water advisory which can be impossible if there is no electricity. Thank God for gas grills as many are using them to boil and cook. My place of employment has not been without power during this disaster. I use the word disaster lightly because I know this is NOTHING compared to those in the southern states of Florida, Alabama, Texas, Louisiana. But it is a disaster for this area.

I still find myself speechless and in awe of God. I know that He has chosen me and done this for me for a reason. I do not share any of this to belittle the grave, grave devastation that others are experiencing. Rather, I must recognize that I recognize Christ in the midst of this storm. I believe God's presence in this physical storm has been a tool to reassure me of His presence in my emotional and personal storm.

I feel what the Lord has done in the many blessings of this storm has been a personal moment for Him and me. It was like in the midst of all these circumstances, He wanted to pile up these handful of blessings and say "this is for you, my sweet one. I AM here." It has been such a blessing that I truly cannot describe it adequately in words. He has blessed my socks off, for sure. He has reassured me that He IS working in my life and in the storms of my life. In recent days and weeks I have cried out to the Lord asking Him where He is at, why He's not working, why this, why that, wondering if He's forgotten me or just not "doing" anything about my cries to Him. The blessings of this physical storm have nothing to do with my personal storms yet they serve as a HUGE reminder of my God speaking to me and providing such reassurance of His presence.

He IS my air conditioner.
He IS my fan.
He IS my entertainment.
He IS my shelter.
He IS my food.
He IS my sleep.

He provided all these things in His way. An air conditioner through His cool nights. A noisy fan through His nature. A shelter from massive property damage. Sleep for a sleepless girl. Warm food through a grill instead of an oven.

I don't know if this will bring much encouragement to any of you. I know this is already long but you know that in my posts I want them to be about God and to be about YOU...touching you in some way to enrich your life, strengthen your walk, encourage your heart, or enlighten your mind. This is a ministry for me...to write from my heart what the Lord speaks to me. I want to be a vessel that God uses for YOU.

So, in this post it will be up to God to move each of you accordingly. I have only been led to sing His praises. I could not let this experience pass without recognizing that I recognize HIM in this physical storm. I don't know if you are experiencing the affects of Ike or any future storms, but I pray you feel His presence. Even if you do not have electricity or cool nights or cookable food, I pray you still SEE Him.

These past few days I have not been able to stop thinking about folks who have or are enduring much more devastation closer to the eye of the storms. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a home in a storm. I cannot imagine what it must be like to not have a bank to retrieve money. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have no clothes or possessions. I cannot imagine what it must be like to not find food or water. I cannot imagine what it must be like to not see an end to the devastations in days but rather weeks and months.

I pray the Lord's blessing on each of you whether you are weathering a storm physically, emotionally, or spiritually. These physical storms are also a reminder of the spiritual storms that are always brewing. We are always one step close to a spiritual battle. May we recognize this and have on our armor.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:13

Recognizing Him In It All,

Haves and Have Nots

I don't suspect the cliche that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence is a cliche for no reason. I'm sure there is some statistical data that would show that we as humans focus on the negative more than the positive in a person, situation, or circumstance. It is said that for every negative statement we receive (or speak) there needs to be five positive to counter act that negative. Think about feedback or comments at work. More times than not we will receive a comment on something we have done wrong than something we did well. It seems it is easier to give criticism than encouragement.

Why do we tend to pick out the bad in another than the good?

The family member who doesn't parent the way we see fit.

The neighbor who appears unfriendly and never speaks.

The co-worker who claims is short and rude.

The friend who doesn't call or email anymore.

The house that hasn't sold. :-)

Or it is rather....

The family member who does the best with the skills they themselves were taught growing up.

The neighbor who is just very shy.

The co-worker who is overworked because everything is dumped onto him/her and stress abounds.

The friend who doesn't know how much he/she is needed.

The house that serves a mighty purpose and purposes unknown.

How many times do we look at the things we do not have or that another does have. I admit I'm guilty.

I do not have a successful marriage.

I do not have a husband (legally).

I do not have a ministry involving writing, speaking, and leading.

I do not have children.

I do not have a beautiful complexion.

I do not have two-sizes smaller figure.

I do not have a stress-free job.

I do not have a sold house.

But I do have...

Parents who love and support me unconditionally.

A brother who would do anything for me.
A grandmother who is alive, kicking and as healthy as a horse (praise God).

Two nieces who adore me :-)

A body that is healthy and functions in all parts.

A job that fulfills.

A house that shelters me.

Friends who bless me unimaginably.

A President who professes his faith in God.

A church that allows me to worship freely.

Cyber friends without I can't imagine journeying life.

A ladies small group from church that I cherish.

Finances that provide.

A vehicle for comfortable transportation.

A ministry through my words on this blog, through comments, and email exchanges.

Salvation from my Lord and Savior.

Eternal security in Heaven.

A God who provides ALL of these.

It can be a continual effort to focus on the haves rather than the have nots. It should be easy as it is a command from the Lord to not envy what another has. I believe we shouldn't envy what we don't have either. However, being a command from the Lord does not make it easy but it does give us great motivation.

The word "have" always brings to my mind the scripture that I have paraphrased "you have not because you ask not." You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:2b

That is not to say we will receive whatever we ask but yet...you conclude for yourself. It's one of those 'gray' scriptures much like Matthew 21:22. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

I'm not sure how to fully understand these scriptures among other similar ones. However, I try do as they say.

This may be my shortest post yet. Time, life, and my heart have not allowed me to write of late. I long for it though, as it is a real time of communing with the Lord for me.

So, I leave you with a short list of my haves and have nots. May I encourage you that if you, like me, struggle with focusing on the have nots instead of the haves (even if it's momentary), give each have not to the Lord. The Lord tells us to test Him with our tithes and see if He won't bless us more. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. Malachi 3:10

I say "test" Him with your have nots and see if your haves don't increase. They may never increase in the areas or ways we wish or think, but He will open our eyes to see the haves we have [no pun intend :-)] and He will add to our haves in ways unimaginable.

Of course that word, unimaginable, reminds me of a verse very special to me because He fulfilled it (the verse) on 7/27/04 and 4/16/05 through the love of my life. So, I believe He will also do the unimaginable again one day. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

My haves come from having Him,

(The picture is of my Crape Myrtle.)

The Soul Washer

How could a person of 34 years of age be so thrilled and tickled by the process of a fiberglass box swishing and swashing hot water onto items of eatery? Yes, my poor dishwasher has been out of commission for five months. I won’t tarnish anyone’s name but let’s say four months and three weeks were spent waiting on one repair man. Fortunately, I had a second one who was excellent in service, price, and timeliness. Praise the Lord. Isn’t there something beautiful about just having a task done and off the “to do” list?

So, I ran the dishwasher to clean the inside walls but thought I’d throw in a couple dishes and silverware. Okay…it was two spoons, one knife, one fork, two cups, one plate, one bowl but who’s counting? What an exhilarating and very weird feeling when I unloaded those few items. It was like getting a new toy at Christmas [for a kid of course, not me :-)]. It actually has been over a year of not using it since most of last summer I didn’t use the dishwasher as I was not eating or dirtying dishes. When I did start using dishes, it would take about three weeks to get a full load. In the last five months I've mostly eaten from paper plates; otherwise, I have to wash dishes by the piece to keep my sink empty while my house is on the market.

I have enjoyed hearing the clang of the utensil hitting the glass plate or bowl. That’s a beautiful sound. I have really enjoyed knowing I can dirty a dish, hide it in the dishwasher, and know it will be clean in about three weeks. Yes, this all may sound very crazy to those who make large meals daily for several people. Dishes must be a dreaded time of the day for those folks. Trust me, I was never a dish cleanin’ person and was blessed to have a husband who emptied the dishwasher every time.

I won't be making it a habit to run a less than full dishwasher because I'm way too conservative for that. (Waste not, want not.) However, isn’t it great that we can be put through God’s dishwasher whenever we need and as often as we need? God is willing and able to cleanse us at any point and as many times as we need. We don’t get just one washin’ at the time of our salvation. No, for most, it is a daily cleansing.

Oh, how I’m in need of a good cleaning. Negative thoughts. Pain. Regret. Worry. Confusion. Discontentment. Complaints. Envy.

Cleanse me oh Lord with Your pure blood. Change my heart. Change my focus. Change my desires. Change my outlook. Cleanse me. Purify me. Create in me a new heart. Yes, Lord.

One scripture that I wrote on my heart in the last months is Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 NIV says pure heart; whereas, NASB and ESV say clean heart. I love both the words clean and pure but to me, I don't see them as exact synonyms. Maybe I just hate to see my heart as impure but I know it is because though I know I am cleaned and forgiven of my sins, I will never be totally without sin. We will never be fully pure and clean this side of Heaven. Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"? Proverbs 20:9

Wash me.
Cleanse me.
Purify me.
Take from me, Lord, the junk that resides in my heart, mind, and life. Mold me and make me. You, Father, are the Potter and I am the clay...Your clay.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Psalm 51:2

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Ezekiel 36:25. I found this scripture in my search for this dishwasher piece. As I read this, I imagined myself, standing in front of my dishwasher, turning the switch, and saying to the dishes in my fiberglass box: "I will sprinkle clean water on you and you will be clean." :-) That reminds me of the shows "I Dream of Jeanie" and "Bewitched". Snap and be done.

Be clean you old dirty dishes says Paula.

Be clean you old dirty Paula says the Lord.

Unfortunately, a lot of our dirtiness is not something that is changed over night. Yes, our Almighty God has the power to snap His fingers and cleanse us from worry, pain, envy, bad attitudes or whatever it may be. However, though His power is great, we are still human and most of the time it requires the Lord teaching us how to live without discontentment, worry, negativeness, lies, regret, shame or envy.

As thankful as I am for my repaired dishwasher, I would trade it and wash my dishes by hand for the rest of my life as long as Jesus keeps on washin’ me. I’d trade my fiberglass box any day and sign up for dishpan hands just for one cleansing of the Lord. That’s how precious and powerful the Lord is. We cannot live on this earth without His presence that gives not only comfort, love, peace and all those warm securities but also the refreshing but painful cleansing. I know for the Lord to cleanse me of the things I find dirty, it incurs pain of purifying and discipline. However, all purifying experiences bring us closer to the character of Christ. How awesome is that. Is there anything better? ...No.

Do you need to be ran though the Soul Washer either on short cycle, full cycle, or rinse only? Is there something in your heart, mind, or life that needs to swished and swashed by the Lord's blood? Tell the Lord you need a good washin' and He'll cleanse you over and over. You will never be fully cleaned and not in need of God's cleansing power. It doesn't end at the salvation experience but rather it ends when we see Jesus face to face in glorious Heaven. Only then will we be made perfect, clean, and pure.

Being Cleansed By the Soul Washer,

(The picture is of my Rose of Sharon tree.)

The Word: Part Two

There will be a test….
Remember hearing that in high school or college? Ugg. I hated that. Can’t we learn this stuff without being tested on it too? It seemed to take the fun out of learning. No, it didn’t work that way in class and it doesn’t work that way in life. We need to expect the test. (BM) Or rather testSSSS, right? Oh yes.

One of the first scriptures Beth gave us under this point is 1 Corinthians 10:13. This is a verse I wrote on my heart years ago, probably because it was a part of some Bible study. I had not really pondered on this verse until a few months ago at my ladies group. It was almost like it came flooding back to me that night. It has since come up several times in the last few months. If you aren’t familiar with the verse, here it is. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

God does not tempt us. Temptation comes from satan to make us fall. Trials come from God to make us stand. (BM) Yet even in satan’s temptation our God still doesn’t end it there. No, He provides an escape door. He provides a way out. He provides an alternative. He provides they way to stand up to the temptation.

We will have tests and trials. He is testing us to prove the Word TRUE! The Word is not laying idle in us. We need to wait for it to come to pass and proven to be true. (BM) Waiting is hard but we must put it to the extreme use.

Ephesians 3:17 …rooted and established in love. We must know that we know that we know that God loves us. I’d guess if asked we’d all say “yes, I know God loves me.” Several have told me lately that God loves me and this has been my reactions also. “Yeah, I know.” It seemed to make a larger impact with the words Beth spoke and with the emphasis of truly knowing that we know. When going through a crisis you must know that you know that you know that He lavishly loves you. (BM) Lavishly loves us. These words still ring reinforcement and strength in me. It is easy in crisis, pain, and trials to think He’s forgotten us. He must not love me that much.

Take root below and bear fruit above. 2 Kings 19:30 The “root” is to know that you know that you know that God loves us and has not forgotten us in our time of suffering.

We’ve heard it many times that in exactly the times we need God the most, we feel Him the least. Isn’t that the truth. I’ve never understood why that is. However, Beth continued to say because worrying is over powering us. (BM) I never put worry into the equation to see it is the reason for our disconnect feeling. We can’t get a Word over it because worrying is chocking us. Anxiety chokes the Word right out of us!!!! (BM)

Wow. That seems to be opposite of our goal of keeping His Word hidden in our heart. Yet, we have the “power” to keep it hidden or choke it out. Our decision to worry or not worry gives power to whether the Word is hidden in our heart or to choke it out.

That gives us even more motivation to conquer the worry and anxiety because it is stealing the Word from our heart and choking it from us. Thus the reason our all-knowing God told us not to be anxious. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

The enemy watches us not bowing down to God when we are anxious. (BM)

He will birth our passion THROUGH our pain. (BM) Through our pain, not going around it, not escaping it, not removing it, but THROUGH it. Passion from pain. Wow. I just love those words. I know those three words bring so many promises of God’s to us. We cannot understand His ways and we never will on this side of Heaven. Only the Almighty One can bring such beautiful and glorious passion from such horrific pain and tragedy.

These words, passion from pain, remind me of Romans 8:28. In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

He makes beauty from ashes.
He makes passion from pain.

Every one of our lives has purpose, a destiny set aside for you before the foundation of the world. (BM) Wow, what vastness this shows of God. Thousands of years ago He set out MY purpose in this world from 19_ _ until (?) when He calls me home.

We need to change our perspective of what we go through!!! (BM) Oh how very true this is. Perspective is SO much of the battle. It is very hard to have a God-perspective because we are not God. But with His help God will enlarge our human perspective into something closer to His perspective. We will never fully achieve and perfect our perspective. It’s been amazing that slowly but surely, God has even changed my perspective. He is allowing me to step out of my disaster and see it from a glimpse of His perspective and what He can accomplish through me, through this disaster, and through the birthing of my passion. It is only through the grace of God that we can step out of our tragedy (and tragedies they are) and see the purpose and passion He is birthing. That is just awesome to know so much good is coming from so much bad. For me, my 'disaster' still hurts very deeply but it’s like a warm fuzzy blanket on a cold day. God is wrapping is arms around my pain and comforting my broken heart. I must continue to still go through the pain but His loving arms through purpose and passion bring such comfort to me.

Beth continues to say God doesn’t have us to through the tests just for us. It’s not about us. Then why? To be able to minister and testify after the disaster. (BM) Again wow. Minister after the disaster. I know the I’ve already ministered and testified to God’s greatness through my disaster. It’s been a slow progress and I can only hope my ministering and testifying are much more than I even know. I know my ministry and testimony will just continue to grow and grow through this journey and the revelations God brings me.

Remember this…
Satan’s plan is to lose our effectiveness not our salvation! (BM)
We know the enemy cannot take our salvation, that is between God and His believer. Remember, he can only tempt us in our lives but he does not make our decisions for us. Rather, satan knows he has no power over our salvation but he can influence our effectiveness for God’s Kingdom. He can tempt us to not pray and be in God’s Word daily. He can tempt us with using our time for our selfish desires instead of Kingdom purposes. He can tempt us to not attend church, Sunday School, or fellowship with other believers. He can tempt us to not tithe our firsts to God. He can tempt us to not serve in the church and our community. He can tempt us to not share God’s love with others. He can only tempt us. But if we fall into his temptation, we can become less effective in our walk to minister to others and testify for His greatness.
Birthing Passion Through Pain,

If anyone would like a full copy of all my notes, I'd gladly email them to you. Leave me a comment with your email. It's about six pages (double spaced.)

The Word: Part One

I wait for the Lord...to speak to Paula. Psalm 130:5 Oh wait, that's not in God's Word, that's in your head. (I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.) You know the Lord is good to those who wait so He's gonna be good to you. The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. Lamentations 3:25 (ESV)

I'm coming to you LIVE from my hometown...with some old news about the Good News. I'm not a whipper snapper when it comes to things I post on my blog so yes it's been over a week.

For an avid note taker, Beth Moore sure did give me a work out last Friday and Saturday at the Simulcast. I will not repeat all her notes but rather things the Lord led to my heart as I pondered on my notes and composed pivotal points of reflection in my own words made applicable to me and hopefully for all.

If I summed up the weekend in two simple words I would say the weekend was all about THE WORD. The central theme was about knowing and retaining the Word for a 100-fold harvest. Many of the thoughts and statements Beth made weren't all necessary "new" but yet the phrasing at times seemed to have a huge impact. (Most of the sub titles below are ones I created. Anything Beth said is in brown and ends with BM.)

HIDE AND SEEK the Word
Opening God's Word isn't just for the knowledge; it is for God to speak to us. (BM) We speak to God through prayer but He speaks to us through His divine Word. I have to disagree that God's Word isn't for our knowledge as we do need it to learn about Him and how to follow Him but she is right that it is God's primary means of speaking to us. We need to seek His Word and then hide it deep into our hearts. Beth's words brought to me the realization of the level of impact we allow God's Word to have in our lives. She challenged us to let it have full impact, the maximum impact.

Time of HIDE AND SEEK
Throughout my Christian walk, 9 out of 10 times, I've heard it said or suggested to have our quiet time in the morning. For years I had a morning time with God. Life changed and it is very hard for me to have that time in the morning. Then, I heard someone say in the last few months to have it whenever we're at our best and whatever works best for us. So, I let myself off the hook with having my time with God in the evening. Beth has challenged me to return to a time with the Lord in the morning. With baby steps of five to ten minutes in the morning, I'm trusting the Lord to increase it to solely be in the morning replacing the evening time. Scriptures used to support this convicted me further.

Sow your seed in the morning...Ecclesiastes 11:6 (Sow your seed by reading the Word.)

The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back. Isaiah 50:4-5. She mentioned on those last five words to think about not drawing back our bed covers.

In addition to this, I thought about how we are to give God the first tenth of our money, first of our heart, first in our life, first of our time, first in our thoughts. Why not the first of our morning? Another convicting point is when we read the Word in the morning, we have "those" words to carry with us throughout the day. We never know what we read will explicitly be needed or applied that day at work or whatever we face. We also have more time to let the Word linger in our heart.

HIDE. SEEK. KEEP
We need to retain the Word. Merely reading it does not do the job at all. God has not ceased to amaze me how He's allowed me to retain of His Word more than I thought I ever could. Three of the scriptures referenced were already written on my heart. Ironically, one is Psalm 119:11 I have hidden Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You. The Greek word Kateche means to hold in a vice grip. I love that. To me that is a very strong hold as I envision the vice grip my grandpa had in his garage on his work bench. May my heart be like a vice grip with God's Word clutched tightly in it.

God can't change your life if you don't let Him change your day. God wants to change your day. (BM) My response was "hmmm". There are things that I'm trusting God to change and I realize those things will take time. However, this made me stop and think how I need to allow Him to change my day, whatever that may entail. Each day will build on another and then He can change my "life"~that is the circumstances of those desires laid upon my heart.

Satan's plan is for us to lose our effectiveness not our salvation. (BM) Again, I remember simply thinking "hmmm". Very interesting. The way we begin to lose our effectiveness is when we are not in the Word and not in fellowship with the Holy One. We can't be effective if we don't know Him and commune with Him.

PROTECT YOUR HEART
Our heart is at the center of all we do. We are created with such sensitivity and vulnerability (as least I was) that we are naturally guarded especially when we've been hurt. When we hear the words "protect your heart", I'd suspect we'd all say "sign me up". Amen? Beth suggests the way to protect our heart is to hide the Word in our heart. There is no bigger offensive weapon than with the Word of God. (BM) Again, I was challenged that I need to be aware of satan trying to steal what I've hidden in my heart. I love how Beth told us to guard the Word in our heart and refuse to let the enemy convince us otherwise of things we know to be true from God. He can try to tell us we don't hear from God but we need to stand up and refuse to listen to his lies. Trust what you hear from God (in His Word, sermons, studies, conferences, etc.) and don't let him convince you otherwise. The enemy and I have gone round and round with this and I have bruises to show for it. But I refuse to give up or give in to him. I feel God has lead me down a very lonely road and one not understood by others. Satan tries to tell me to give up but I have to trust this road from the Lord until He changes it.

Put your hand over the Word in your heart to conceal it. Put your hand on your heart and say with faith of a mustard seed "my faith is not up for grabs. Let it take root and grow. It's my word to keep and you can't take it." (BM)

You've waited this long for my reflection of the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast. Do you think you can wait a few more days for the last half? There will be a test.... That's all I can say about the final part.

Hiding His Word,

(Picture is of yellow tulips from my yard this past spring.)

The Fall

The Fall? Your mind immediately goes back to the fall of Adam and Eve, huh? Yes, that was THE Fall. However, there is another fall. The fall into the pit. The fall into the enemy's trap. The fall into the attacks from satan. The fall into sin. Yes, we still experience the fall today. I believe it is well known and to be expected that whenever we have a mountaintop experience with God, we should expect to experience the attacks of the evil one. We cannot stay on the mountaintop forever. Instead, we make a slow climb down the mountain and eventually wonder in the valley. Instead of it being a gradual climb down the mountain, satan tries to literally push us off that mountaintop. For you see, the quicker he gets us off the mountaintop, the quicker we'll lose our "fire" for God and the less likely we'll continue to do marvelous things for God. Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Matthew 26:41

However, our God is SO great that He too can and does use the valley experiences just as much as the mountaintop experiences. God will even allow satan to throw his daggers at us after such a glorious experience with God. Why? Because, this too will only reinforce the Truths we learned while on the mountaintop and it will draw us to rely even more on God and conform to the character of Jesus. Surviving and thriving after the attacks of satan reveals our faith to God and brings Him glory.

That is how wonderful our God is. He uses everything for our good and His glory. Romans 8:28 tells us in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purposes.

Let me share some history to these thoughts. I wanted to post today and I have a couple in drafts that I was going to fine tune and post. However, it is as though God said "No. You need to post on the fall because of what many THOUSANDS of women may begin to experience this weekend starting Saturday afternoon." So this is the first sporadic posting I've ever done literally in one sitting.

Many of you are probably aware of Beth Moore's conference tonight from 7:30-10 pm and Saturday 9:30-1 pm. She is in Louisville, Kentucky which is about 60 minutes from me. However, the church which probably holds 10,000 has been sold out for several, several months. My ladies' group at church is hosting a simulcast. We gathered last night to set up the church and boy did I ever get pumped up. We had prayer and I mentioned that this has been a concern of mine that we all need to be prepared for the enemy's attacks to come Sunday or Monday or even Saturday at 1:05! (Update: I've found out 715 churches are involved and over 70,000 attendees over the world!)

The enemy does NOT like God's children to be on fire for Jesus, spreading His good news, doing His good works, and proclaiming His good love. No, indeed, it makes satan madder than a wet hen. So, he is going to push. He is going shove. He is going to scream. He is going to try anything and everything to beat us down and convince us we cannot do what God is going to speak to our hearts. I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. Psalm 118:13

Satan opposes what God is doing and what we are willing to do for God. Though this scripture is not talking about satan, I found it in my search and thought it was good advice for us. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. 2 Timothy 4:15 Satan opposes God's message and he opposes our message about Jesus.

Be on guard, if you are attending the conference or a simulcast. If you are not, please pray for the many THOUSANDS of woman who may experience the enemy's attacks this weekend after a glorious experience with God. I am so pumped up to have a "high" with God. If you attended Proverbs 31 She Speaks this year, you know what I'm saying. Many attendees have shared how they had a mountaintop experience only to come home to the attacks of satan. But they overcame because God is with them. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Psalm 46:5 And because they cast their cares on God. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. 2 Timothy 1:14 Wow. This is a gem of scripture. Isn't that what God is doing? He's depositing good in us through such conferences. Have you ever pondered that while He deposits this good He is trusting us with it? We are to guard the good deposit He makes whether it is at a Beth Moore conference, or Proverbs 31, or any conference we attend. What a beautiful picture of God "entrusting" us with His good deposits. Just beautiful.

Whether you attend this conference, your local church event, a church meeting even for some new ministry, whatever the atmosphere for high with God, be on guard and prepared for the attacks of satan. Never let him steal your thunder. Never let him push you off that mountaintop. Never let him tarnish the good deposits from the Lord.

Entrusted By Him,

(Picture is of "Candy Tuft" from my yard.)

A Word in the Night

Near the beginning of my trial, which started last June 22, 2007, I was given a word from a dear friend. She gave me this verse in hopes of helping me to understand things I do not know and also what God would do. I have since written it on my heart. She gave it to me in ESV. Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known. Jeremiah 33:3

(Hydrangea from my yard.)

I have since heard it said many times that Jeremiah 33:3 is God's telephone number. I have called to Him and He has shown me some wonderful things in the midst of this horrific trial. I don't believe He's revealed to me all the great and hidden things but I know as time goes, He will show me more and more.

So, why is this all worthy of penning? Many friends have told me that God has revealed or confirmed promises, directions, answers to them through their dreams. I know that I dream but I have a very hard time recalling most dreams. I can have a vague idea the morning to follow but my dreams have always been so fuzzy... in a strange house that is suppose to be mine, with family members who don't look like themselves. Very weird.

The morning of this past Wednesday, July 23rd, I tossed as I normally do. (Does anyone sleep a solid 6-8 hours without turning? I've never experienced that.) I must've turned to my right side for the 105th time and I saw a flash of my clock. It said 3:33. Now, normally, I would think quickly in my head "oh I have x hrs and x minutes left to sleep.) However, this time I recall I instantly thought of Jeremiah 33:3. It was the most weird and surreal feeling. Just as soon as I saw the 3:33 a.m., I saw Jeremiah 33:3 in my mind. I felt instantly it was a "message" from God yet, I didn't know what it meant. Is He asking me to call to Him? Is He comforting me that He will soon show me more great and hidden things? Will He be revealing to me some of the greatest mysteries of my aching heart for which I long?

I've yet to understand the fullness of His message but I do believe He said this to me for a reason. Is it to ponder on the great influence and affect this dear friend had on me during the early days of my trial? Is it to bring me peace that He is going to settle some of the uneasiness in my heart? Is He asking me to call Him more often? Is He asking me to call upon Him for those things which I feel are a burden to Him?

I do know this...this is one of the most amazing gifts. I had not been reading nor reflecting on Jeremiah 33:3 recently but rather it was far from my mind. I did rest my head upon my pillow that night with uneasiness and worry about an event occurring at work but was not necessarily seeking an answer.

I feel there is no real profound encouragement, revelation, application, or challenge that I can present to my wonderful readers regarding this. Rather, I want to shout praise to the Lord for this mysterious word. I would gladly accept any word from the Lord even if it is yet to be understood by this feeble servant of His.

I can only hope that someone would gleam a word from the Father through this message. I can only hope this verse is the exact scripture needed by one soul reading this. I can hope that a reader would be challenged or encouraged in a way only God would know.

I can encourage you to call the Father. Call Him. Text Him. Email Him. He wants to hear from you regarding all the issues on your heart. He is never too busy for us. Imagine, He is just sitting there, waiting on His glorious throne, wanting to so desperately hear from YOU...yes YOU. Imagine, the Father desires to tell YOU great and hidden things. He wants to tell YOU His secrets. Remember as a little girl hiding in the closet whispering secrets to our friends, either real or imaginary? That is what He is saying to you...come into My closet, come into My presence, come into My House and let Me tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know. Oh to be graced with the Father's secrets.

Seek Him with all your heart. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 So many times Jeremiah 29:11 is quoted but what a beautiful and powerful verse that follows it.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. Proverbs 8:17 The truth is, He loves all of us, even those who do not love Him. But I believe He does love us who loves Him with a "special" kind of love. Most definitely anyone who seeks the Father will find Him. How glorious!

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)

Calling Him,