Friday, June 26, 2009

A Broken Heart...Over This?

I scratched this in pen on Tuesday because I had to get my feelings out. I've not had time to type it and I'm a little scared. Scared that the wrong idea will be construed from it. Scared my heart will not be understood. Scared my thoughts will not be accurately shared. Scared my words won't be received the way they are intended, in love and concern, with much passion.

If you are here now, please stay with me to the end so you can capture the whole picture of what my heart has to say.

Here it is...my heart...open...raw...fragile for pain.

Why is my heart broken over this? Why is this constantly on my mind? Why am I so sad over this? Why is this such a heavy burden to me?

For the last month I have been praying. Praying for two I've never met. Praying for a man and woman I can't call friends. Praying for those across the country. I've been asking the Lord to not let it be so. Asking God to work a miracle for all to see. Asking the Almighty to do the mighty.

I've been watching as the world watches, gossips, and accuses. I've been watching for the Lord to do for another what I've asked Him to do for me. All signs right now say my requests have not been fulfilled yet.

Though my heart feared reality, it still clung to hope. Then my heart was crushed. I kept repeating in my head the words I read. "Initiated. Dissolve. Marriage. Ten Years." And their names in print (screen). There is something so reeling, so impacting to see it in print. I know each time I saw my name in print, it killed me all the more, bringing the reality home once again.

No, Lord, I cried. Please no Lord. At that point, my hope for this not to be true died. Yet, almost immediately a new hope came alive. This petition to dissolve something holy was just that. Only a petition. Petitions can be and are removed all the time. Just visit rejoiceministries.org. So this beautiful hope was renewed...a new hope and prayer. Lord, use this time to restore the union of one man and woman you bonded ten years ago. Lord, use this very public marriage to publicly display Your power to all. Lord, may You crush the enemy's efforts. He is the one who has lit the fire of dissolving this marriage, any marriage. We know that marriage is satan's number one target. So Lord, may You finish in a mighty way what satan started. Please Lord, turn his bad intention to forever destroy a family into a glorious reconciliation of a marriage that is stronger than ever imagined.

So, why is my heart still so deeply pained? Why on the evening of a terrible anniversary of mine did I lose it? Two years ago on June 22nd my life forever changed; my heart sent into shock. Yet, two years later, I "survive" this date. Until. Until 11:00 pm when crawling into bed, I began sobbing uncontrollably. As I lay there I felt like I'd never fall asleep. I got up to get some medicine to aid my sleeping yet I couldn't control my tears. I still can't explain the deep sobbing. I believe a combination of the significant date, hearing the devastating news of this public marriage, and all this happening the same day.

Why is this weighing so heavy on me? It has affected me as though it's happening to a close friend. It has affected me as though it happened to me, again! There are so many similarities with them and us except for the eight kids, the tv show, and the rumors/possibilities of affairs. I can see me in her (disrespectful words) and I can see my beloved in him (emotional effect of that).

Rumors are rumors. Tabloids are tabloids. Details are details. And, they all really don't matter. Pointing and blaming don't matter. Personally, I believe this marriage, like so many, succumbed to the breakdown of communication. Communication is key to any relationship, especially a marriage. It is vital. And a failed marriage because of bad communication seems so senseless. (I don't mean to imply bad communication alone simply causes a divorce but it begins the cycle of the hard feelings, lack of "feeling" love, lack of Ephesians 5, etc.)

Who am I to be an expert on what has happened in this public marriage? Am I just adding to this by bringing it up? I hope not. I don't believe so. Rather, this is an opportunity, I suspect, for God to use what I've endured to possibly share with others. I have become so sensitive to the issue of marriage and the "d" word. I do not judge or condemn anyone who has divorced. Rather, I seeing it as God sees it: to hate divorce and to honor marriage.

I hate divorce, says the Lord. Malachi 2:16
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

Any failed marriage can be healed. I believe mine can be. I believe the G's can be. I believe yours can be.

I know many have blasted K for her disrespectful words and actions toward J. No, they weren't lovely. Yes, they were hurtful. Yet. Yet. As I hesitate to pen this, as satan probably doesn't want me to share this, but I pen this for His glory. As I said previously, I saw me in her and beloved in him. I had that same disrespectful tongue and that same "attitude" that caused such ugly words. Oh, the ugly words I regret. And then, I saw a change in K. A realization of the behavior brought to light. Just like in me. I also heard her desire to not travel this road. Just like me. I heard in J a desire and excitement of the seemingly free road ahead. Just like my beloved. I understand how these ugly words and actions can affect husbands and any man.

I know all too well exactly how she felt as it seemed she spoke straight from my heart: "I'm tired of smiling on the outside when I'm crying on the inside." Then she shared how she just can't remove her wedding ring. Of course, the media had to take notice that she still had it on. Just like society...to believe we must comply to what is socially acceptable. Husband leaves and files and we are to remove our rings. Well, sweet one, I too know how this feels. I wore my rings for five months all through the separation. I continued to wear them for two weeks after the law said we were no longer married. I still was not really ready but felt pressured by what others thought, saying I was in denial. My heart would probably still wear my rings two years later if it weren't for having to explain myself and feel looked down upon. I too understand the shock of lawyers being involved. I understand it all. I'm not an expert but boy how I believe K and I could relate.

Yet, none of these hurts of husband or wife are beyond the healing of God and His power. Words of no hatred existing, they said. Yet, does that really mean a lack of love? Love is a choice. Harsh words, and many things, can cause us to not "feel" love and that is understandable. One does not feel loved or feel like loving in such situations. However, if we resolve to do love, we will feel love. We do love in action and the feelings will follow.

A fork in the road was mentioned by this sweet couple. We hear it often--we've come to a fork in the road and have to decide. Yes, we do have to decide: to move forward on one of the paths in the fork or stand still at the fork not moving (which is not always bad). The great thing is, if we choose the wrong path at the fork, our Heavenly Father will lovingly guide us back. Not only will He guide us back, but He'll make use of our time on the "wrong" path--on the path we chose, most likely chosen for ease or less pain. Isn't that what our flesh wants most often, the path of least pain and most ease? But, is that path really the most beneficial even though easier and less painful? There is so much to be gained from choosing the hard road and seeing God be faithful to use it for our best, for something we cannot even imagine in our feeble human minds.

Please know this post is not about me jumping on the band wagon and piping in "along with everyone". Rather, it is my heart, breaking ever so deeply and genuinely. It is my passion for marriages and to see them saved. It is my deep belief in knowing the power of God to not only restore marriages but make them stronger and better than imagined. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

May I never be seen as a dog with a bone but a soul with a heart and a heart with a passion.

Three nights later and I still found myself tearing up at a clip on tv regarding this precious couple. There are so many couples who are hurting. If you are married and there is even the slightest sign of trouble, please seek help. If your spouse has divorced you and wants nothing to do with you, seek the Lord. I believe He will honor your plea to restore your marriage. Why? Because we are to honor marriage...that means of all people, God, will honor marriage. Will He not honor your plea and restore your marriage, in His time and His way?

Please call upon His mighty name and power to heal the hurting marriages and to resurrect the dead marriages. It's never too late with God. I regularly pray for many marriages along with my own. I even pray for marriages who don't ask for prayer and aren't wanting restoration. I guess one can say I pray and believe when others can't stretch far enough to reach for that hope and belief.

Listen to what our beloved Beth Moore says. "Feelings can be a little like our laundry. Sometimes we can't sort them until we dump them on the table." [pg. 53, A Heart Like His study] That may or may not relate fully to this post. However, reading it yesterday morning, I felt pressed to include it here.

Brokenhearted But Believing,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
The picture is an asiatic lilly from my new yard.

25 comments:

Thena said...

You said it so well. So many people have bashed them instead of praying for them to show America that God is still doing miracles. I pray that they would wake up and seek christian counseling. It seems like the mention of church and God isn't there anymore. My heart goes out to the children, because I know how it affects them. I also have went through a divorce , I didn't want it but he did. And since, I have wondered if I prayed hard enough, if I fought hard enough. But that's been 8 years ago. And I believe I'm a stronger christian today then I was then.

Nicole said...

What an awesome post Paula. Definetly real and honest. In my mind, that's the only way to be is real and honest. Praying tonight for you and your beloved.

Love,
Nicole

valerie said...

I've been praying so hard ever since I heard a decision was going to be announced....praying that they would be able to work things out.
I've watched the show pretty much from the beginning.
It's gotta be so tough. I heard K say that same thing about not being able to take her ring off. So sad!
I'm still praying. Praying for the whole family.

Jeanies Heavenly Treasures said...

Oh, Dear Sweet Pea (Paula),

What a beautiful, heartfelt post!
First, I want to say I am sorry for the loss of your marriage. Remember, God is a God of second chances!
I absolutely love the way that you write! You have such passion!

Keep Smiling!
Blessings,
Jeanie

Tammy said...

Words spoken in truth brings conviction.Conviction changes the heart.

My second marriage was about to end and I didn't care who was going to get hurt. I had no respect,love or desire for my husband. But then a pastor spoke truth and may heart received it. We have been married for 22 years and our daughter never has to worry.

You are so right when you wrote "Love is a choice". My marriage is now in coveted with God and I'm married until "death do us part.

Your heart was so beautiful stated" Thank you."

love and hugs~Tammy

Angela said...

I've been praying for them for quite a few weeks. My heart, like yours was so burdened and broken for them. Even before all this 'stuff' was coming out, God would even wake me up to pray for them, (who I don't even really 'know)....

I praise God that you wrote this post because it was filled with God's love, anointing and peace washed through the entire post, EVEN in the midst of the emotions that you shared of such pain and hurt.

Precious one, God calls you to my mind, (He did on the 22nd, which is my son's b.day and my parents ann.)...He led me to cover you...

YOu needed to cry, to be cleansed from more hurts that were deep within and needed to be spilled out...God KNEW...

((hugs))

JnL4God said...

HI Sweets,
You know I continually hold you and your beloved in pray of restoration, but yes my heart is broken for this couple too. I woke up in the middle of the night and kept tossing and turning, and praying. Everytime they come to mind, I pray.
Very lovely post as always,
Love ya,
Lynn

Lysa TerKeurst said...

Praying for you Paula...

Look at all the good God is already bringing from your pain. Now, let's pray specifically for restoration for you both.

Such wisdom in this post~ I wish Kate could read it.

Yolanda said...

Keep Believing Friend!

Laura said...

I can't add another word to this heart cry. We all lift up our voices on behalf of this marriage, FAther. Show your glory through this very public heartbreak.

Still praying for you, my friend. Nothing is too hard for the Lord...

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

That was a great post....very honest....


Have a good week.

Cindy said...

In agreement as are so many others. Divorce is always so painful.

It doesn't matter what the past is ~ when we believe and humble our hearts God's is always right there to offer us a better future.

Continuing to pray for All marriages!

Blessings, Cindy

Carol said...

Oh my dear bffpp Sweet pea,

You spoke your heart so beautifully my friend. I know your passion for marriage, and I know that your faith is strong in the restoration of your marriage and so many others. I stand with you on that. My heart aches when I hear of another divorce or separation, I too pray for marriages where I can see the signs. Having lived through divorce it's so painful.

I to feel sadness over this, for the couple for the children.

I'm standing with you sweet sister. I love you much. Chat with you soon.

love,
Carol bffpp

lil kiss said...

thank you for popping over to my blog. We have been through alot in such a short time but God has been faithful. He has been with us through out this whole time. Thank you again.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Paula - I agree with you on this and can feel you brokenness over it. You said a lot of things in your post that really ministered to my heart. I've been married 24 years, but sometimes we can neglect the one that we love the most and not always be as "nice" as we are to others. I needed this reminder today.

I will pray for you sweet sister - I always love coming here to your "place"

Paula said...

Precious Pea (((hugs))) I wrote about this very topic a few posts down on my site. It's listed under video because I did a video to a song called 50 years from now. I felt exactly the way you did...Angela and I even prayed together for this couple. I am a divorce survivor and while my marriage wasn't restored, God brought me a Godly man to love me and my kids. I'll be praying for you as I can feel your pain. My divorce was 16 years ago and the news about the G's brought it all back. Love and more (((hugs)))I'm following you now and look forward to building a friendship on our sisterhood in Christ.

Anonymous said...

Dear Paula,

Well, this is a new one for me, posting on someone's blog, someone I don't even know. I find myself searching this morning, and after reading the headline news of the world, I went to my chrisian living folder hoping to find something positive. You see, my marriage is in trouble, has been for awhile. Too many details to get into on here (as well as very private), however I will say that I could easily point out all my dh's fault, he even says himself that he has given me reason to leave this marriage, still I'd rather focus on my contributions - the not so good ones. Through prayer and bible reading, I found myself in Colossians (sp?) and Ephesians (sp?) just yesterday ... you can imagine where God had lead me, and I realized the implicit trust I need to give to my dh. Well, not only has that trust been violated, it simply does not exist for me toward him, and I don't just mean in the marriage. I don't even trust him to know who he is, to be truthful to God/himself when he is around "others" and I realized just how little I respect him. Now this came as a shock to me! My dh actually is a wonderful man, one of the best friends I've ever had, usually on my side and since accepting Christ as his Savior @ 4 1/2 yrs. ago, committed, oddly, to this marriage (I was in for another shock this past Nov. ~ too many details). Anyway, I read your post just this morning, 7.3.09 and thought about my own harsh words, lack of repect, now coupled with huge lack of trust, and I found your words, as well as others in the comment section, hopeful and helpful. My dh & I have been in christian counseling for about 7mos now, and I will admit that it, at times, has only been because of our miracle daughters (convceived via IVF, ages 7 and just turned 5) that I have stayed in our marriage. Yet I wonder this morning why he has stayed ... my words, even before the most recent revelations in Nov., haven't always been on his side. Only b/c of the recent media coverage have I ever watched the show J&K+8 ... and found I couldn't stand her, yet I also found myself feeling toward him as I have about my own dh. I've watched once (about a month or so ago, before recent announcements), don't plan to in the future, yet have prayed for the children. Today your words brought to my mind that I may act just like her. Thinking back, I certainly heard myself sounding like her ...

... is there hope? I thank you for reminding me that there is, with Jesus. Maybe it isn't too late for my marriage, thankfully we are in christian counseling, and I am sincerely thankful that my dh seems to have honest intentions of doing what he needs to make us stronger (individual counseling as well, plus going to group meetings every Thurs. after work, on his own). Maybe his efforts do merit some trust from me ... I don't know. I now feel like we at least are at a good starting place. Ironically, we have a date night this evening with another couple (we had one alone last Friday & it was the first one together in YEARS). Paula, I am rambling, typing quickly before I hear "mama ..." and I hope some of this makes sense. Thank you for your encouragement and especially for sharing your heart. I needed it more than you know.

Though we don't know each other, please let's keep the other in prayer (your words were heartbreaking to me).

Very sincerely,
Sandi F.
(ps - I don't have a google acct, don't understand this blogger stuff, have no idea what OpenID means, etc. So, I'm choosing anonymous, not to be, it just seems easier! LOL! So, I have added my 1st name & last initial - I'm in Ohio).

Abba's Girl said...

I have never watched their television show, have seen the commercials. I have prayed for them for 2 reasons:
1. marriage is holy
2. the children

Your post is poignant and reminds us to cherish our spouses, and be the spouses God calls us to be.

Pamela (His maidservant) said...

Yes Paula...Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

The power of prayer, praying
God's will...gotta trust, gotta believe.

Keep believing. You will be rewarded.

His Maidservant~Pamela

Sharon said...

Hello my Friend~~I see you have touched many hearts here and opened many eyes to reality, including my own. I found myself as I was reading this being you, and my beloved being your beloved, and the pain that you have been suffering, and all the prayers you have prayed to heal this marriage. As I read this and the tears flow down my cheeks and as you cried yourself to sleep, I found I was crying out to our Lord to heal, to comfort you, to give you the peace and strength you need to live. To continue to pray for this marriage to be reunited. You wrote this so beautifully, I can only hope and pray that he may read this post, and all the others you write from your heart.
Divorce is a heart wrenching or deal, I know, Been there and done it, I loved my first husband very much, he has never stopped doing all the bad things he was doing, even though I tried sticking it out with him for 7 years more at the last. But I am greatful today, that I got through it! and met this man I am with now, He Loves the Lord, and he loves and cares for me. I know you will have this Again one day! I pray that you will be together again one day.
I love you my friend, and know my heart reaches out to your heart.
God Bless you!

I don't know the show your are watching.

valerie said...

I wish you were my neighbor too! I would certainly have you over for peach pie & ice cream! :)

I'm blessed to have such a great mother-in-law. We've always gotten along so well. I thank God so very often for the blessings in my life. I never want to take for granted a single thing.....not even peach pie & ice cream. ;)

Love ya, Paula!

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Praying for God's comfort over your hurts this day, Paula.

peace`elaine

valerie said...

I'm catching up on blogs this evening and wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Hope you're doing ok.
Take care and have a great week filled with lots of God's love and favor.
Valerie

Sharon said...

Thinking about YOU! :)

Wendy said...

Bless your heart for praying for them. So often our country gets caught up in the headlines and gossip -- imagine the power if we just prayed. Sigh. I too understand you feelings, for while mine might not be to be the same degree, I've felt them. Bless you for caring for them.