Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"I Know How You Feel"

Well, here's the first Tuesday with no online Bible study. I'm taking a break this summer from participating in sweet Lelia's online study. They are starting Embrace Grace by Liz Curtis Higgs on June 23rd if you'd like to join.

Instead, I'm using this time to do some catch-up leisure reading...reading some books I won a looonnngg time ago and others I received.

Saturday, June 6th, I was perusing my local Traderbaker's (indoor flea market/yard sale thingy) looking desperately for a "red" wagon. I'm having NO luck. It doesn't even have to be red nor the original Radio Flyer one. I just want it for doing yard work. At any rate, I came across the Beth Moore study A Heart Like His for...get this...five dollars. Count them....f.i.v.e. five dolla (no misspell there). Can you believe I actually contemplated not getting it? I continued the aisles for my seemingly hopeless search of one old, beat up, wagon. I came back and thankfully obeyed the spirit moving in me to buy it.

Can I say it has been a blessed and wonderful week? Now don't get me wrong, Beth, David, and the study are fabulous. But, more than that, I love what it is doing in me. I'm getting up earlier and have about 25 minutes instead of 10 minutes of Bible reading. I love the aid of studying sweet David as I have long desired to know him better. I've long desired to know this one man who is referenced by God as "a man after My own heart." Oh, to be called a woman after God's own heart by God Himself.

So, I'm just loving this. Nothing against strict Bible reading but this has stirred in me something wonderful. It's given me the help I needed to really want to learn more about these O.T. peeps. Even though this study didn't start in the earlier chapters of 1 Samuel, it peaked my interest to further study those chapters and learn more details about the "odd" anointing of Saul and the beginning of his reign as king.

A friend also leant me the accompanying reading book several months back so I look forward to finishing my current evening reading so I can begin reading this book that goes with the study.

Not that I didn't enjoy my time with God and reading strictly from His word, but I wake so excited to do this study. Okay, I lie. So I don't wake excited. I hit the alarm still too many times asking do I HAVE to get up and go to work? But after that, I look forward to it.

Okay, I see when I have no real topic at hand, no huge divine word from God, I ramble.

So, let me get to the word God said to me ever so clearly this morning. Though I fail at times, I try to use many of the opportunities in the morning to pray, specifically while I'm in the shower and while I'm drying my hair.

So as I sat at my vanity, listening as always to my K-love station, "One Life to Love" by 33 Miles started playing. In the last month or so, that song has really been getting to me as I "fear" time will run out and not allow certain things to be shared and spoken between two people. I desire so bad for the frailty of life to be seen and that this is our (human race) one chance and also "our" one chance to love as God says to love and then follow God in His plans. [Vague but many should understand what I'm saying.]

So, I said this to God: "I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me, who rejects me."

And God whispered: "I know how you feel."

Wow...He does know how I feel multiplied by thousands, millions, trillions.
How many reject Him? How many does He love who don't love Him? How many times does He send out His love for it not to be returned?

That's about all I got from Him in that moment. No promise for my rejection to end. No promise of when love will be returned to me. No promise of my weariness of this path to subside.

Just His understanding of knowing how it feels to be rejected and to not be loved in return.

Oh how my heart hurts even more for my beloved. Oh how my heart still feels confused. Oh how my heart still cries out Why? When? How long, Lord?

For now, I must rest in His understanding and His love.

Trusting His Guidance for my path,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

P.S. Please pray for me over the next couple weeks. I have no idea how I will feel with the two-year anniversary of June 22nd...when my life forever changed with a broken heart that still is in shock at times. When I walk in the door with no hug greeting me. When I want to pick up the phone to share something fabulous. When I'm awestruck by God and want to relay that. When I see something enojoyed by both. When I buy myself a shirt and think "he would like this." When I paint my toes for crying out loud, I remember the comments.


Laura said...

I am praying for you, dear one. I pray He will hold you through this anniversary.

I'm so glad you have found this Bible study and it is working in your heart this way! Those Beth Moore studies always do that to me too! She's such a wonderful teacher, but I think it is her openess to the Holy Spirit that makes it so special.

Stay open to Him, sweet one.

Angela said...

If you lived close by to me (Ontario Canada) you would have found that wagon on the yard sale find my girlfriend and I were on...and if we lived close by, I would lend you mine ((hugs))
Praying...the conversation that you had with our Father REALLY spoke to my heart and my eyes welled up with His comment back to you....SIGH...He understands doesn't He!!

Tammy said...

You will be in my prayers.

There are times, at least, for me when I want God to give me just a peek into my tomorrows. But if He did, I know I would want to change something.

Hang in there, your Abba Father has your whole life in His hand.

love and hugs~Tammy

andi said...

When you can't see his hand, Trust His heart! I am sooooooo sorry.
Praying! Praying!

Tonja said...

Rest in the thought that many of your friends are holding you up in prayer. May God hold you especially close to His heart at this difficult time.


pippasmum said...

I LOVE the Beth Moore studies. She takes scripture and really brings it to life in such an important way. She has really been there for me this year when I have needed her.
I will be praying for you!

Liz said...

Paula, I will be praying for you fervently the next couple of weeks.
I will also be praying for your leisurely reading, that God will use the extra time you have to saturate you with His love and His word!
Love you!

weezie said...

WOW! How true! Thank you for sharing and I will be praying for you! God Bless!

valerie said...

I am keeping you in my prayers Paula. Praying that God will give you peace during the coming days leading up to this anniversary. I know it's gotta be tough.

Wanda said...

I'll gladly pray, sweet friend. I cannot ease your pain....but I can certainly lift you up to the one who can.
I'm going to get that book now.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

May you know the rich, deep, and abiding love of Christ in this season of remembrance. I'm sorry for your pain and will continue to lift you in my prayers as God brings you to mind. Thanks for your vulnerability, Paula, and I'll be on the look out for a red wagon on my end.


Abba's Girl said...

Praying for you...

Angie said...

I pray for the Holy Spirit to WRAP you up when you come home on that day as never before!

Aimee is using that VERY Bible Study as a teaching tool for her Sunday School class of TEENS! They love it!

I just wanted you to know---I saw a flower in my mother's yard...that was very beautiful...but very different than what I have---and I thought instantly of you. Your beautiful heart...and it's one like no other...He created YOU just as you are...and you are serving HIM in awesome ways!!!!

I will send you a picture of the flower later :)

Love you dear friend!

Sharon said...

My friend, that was a great post, whether it was a study or not, it was by the Paula I know!! :) And I wuv'd it!!
You know I pray for you every night, if you didn't know you do now.
Love you my friend and always thinking about you!

No news yet I will let you know.

Hugsss and blessings my friend :)

Carol said...

My dear sweet Paula,
I have so missed reading your blog. Oh how right your are our Loving Lord knows how we feel. I've thought of you so often this last week, knowing that the day is soon upon you.

You know you are more than welcome to call me and I'll just listen if you need.

I'm glad you are enjoying your Beth Moore study, it sounds wonderful.

Praying for you daily.

Luv you much,
Carol (bffpp)

Ramona said...

Just visiting your blog for the first time. It is lovely! very inspirational and I look forward to reading it again.

Many blessings!

Angie said...

I wanted to check on you...praying for you my sweet friend!

I love you and am here for you! Holla if you need me! Or just holla! (I said that after your dolla!)