Instead, I'm using this time to do some catch-up leisure reading...reading some books I won a looonnngg time ago and others I received.
Saturday, June 6th, I was perusing my local Traderbaker's (indoor flea market/yard sale thingy) looking desperately for a "red" wagon. I'm having NO luck. It doesn't even have to be red nor the original Radio Flyer one. I just want it for doing yard work. At any rate, I came across the Beth Moore study A Heart Like His for...get this...five dollars. Count them....f.i.v.e. five dolla (no misspell there). Can you believe I actually contemplated not getting it? I continued the aisles for my seemingly hopeless search of one old, beat up, wagon. I came back and thankfully obeyed the spirit moving in me to buy it.
Can I say it has been a blessed and wonderful week? Now don't get me wrong, Beth, David, and the study are fabulous. But, more than that, I love what it is doing in me. I'm getting up earlier and have about 25 minutes instead of 10 minutes of Bible reading. I love the aid of studying sweet David as I have long desired to know him better. I've long desired to know this one man who is referenced by God as "a man after My own heart." Oh, to be called a woman after God's own heart by God Himself.
So, I'm just loving this. Nothing against strict Bible reading but this has stirred in me something wonderful. It's given me the help I needed to really want to learn more about these O.T. peeps. Even though this study didn't start in the earlier chapters of 1 Samuel, it peaked my interest to further study those chapters and learn more details about the "odd" anointing of Saul and the beginning of his reign as king.
A friend also leant me the accompanying reading book several months back so I look forward to finishing my current evening reading so I can begin reading this book that goes with the study.
Not that I didn't enjoy my time with God and reading strictly from His word, but I wake so excited to do this study. Okay, I lie. So I don't wake excited. I hit the alarm still too many times asking do I HAVE to get up and go to work? But after that, I look forward to it.
Okay, I see when I have no real topic at hand, no huge divine word from God, I ramble.
So, let me get to the word God said to me ever so clearly this morning. Though I fail at times, I try to use many of the opportunities in the morning to pray, specifically while I'm in the shower and while I'm drying my hair.
So as I sat at my vanity, listening as always to my K-love station, "One Life to Love" by 33 Miles started playing. In the last month or so, that song has really been getting to me as I "fear" time will run out and not allow certain things to be shared and spoken between two people. I desire so bad for the frailty of life to be seen and that this is our (human race) one chance and also "our" one chance to love as God says to love and then follow God in His plans. [Vague but many should understand what I'm saying.]
So, I said this to God: "I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me, who rejects me."
And God whispered: "I know how you feel."
Wow...He does know how I feel multiplied by thousands, millions, trillions.
How many reject Him? How many does He love who don't love Him? How many times does He send out His love for it not to be returned?
That's about all I got from Him in that moment. No promise for my rejection to end. No promise of when love will be returned to me. No promise of my weariness of this path to subside.
Just His understanding of knowing how it feels to be rejected and to not be loved in return.
Oh how my heart hurts even more for my beloved. Oh how my heart still feels confused. Oh how my heart still cries out Why? When? How long, Lord?
For now, I must rest in His understanding and His love.
Trusting His Guidance for my path,
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P.S. Please pray for me over the next couple weeks. I have no idea how I will feel with the two-year anniversary of June 22nd...when my life forever changed with a broken heart that still is in shock at times. When I walk in the door with no hug greeting me. When I want to pick up the phone to share something fabulous. When I'm awestruck by God and want to relay that. When I see something enojoyed by both. When I buy myself a shirt and think "he would like this." When I paint my toes for crying out loud, I remember the comments.