It's Not About Seeing

I was catching up on visiting bloggy friends this past Wednesday. I was at a site (which I can't recall for the life of me) and I saw a comment from Heather whom I hadn't communicated with in some time. I clicked on her blog, On the Road. A scripture on her side bar caught my eye and I read it quickly. Hebrews 11:1. That's good. I've heard that one. I'm familiar with that one.

Literally the very next stop was this post at Angie's Free Spirit Haven. Toward's the bottom of her post she had Hebrews 11:1 in a graphic image. I read through it and after finishing, I realized, "This is the second time in minutes I've read this verse. Wait. Read that again. Maybe this is God."

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 [my emphasis]

Are You, Lord, telling me to be sure of what I hope for? To be sure of restoration? I see no evidence of that, yet You want me to be certain of it...certain of what I do not see? Hopeful of what I do not see? Sure of what I hope for? How Lord? Don't worry with the how, sweet child, just be sure.

Let me retract and vaguely enlighten why this verse on this day would mean so much.

Wednesday morning I had the dream of dreams...my heart's desire fulfilled, beloved returned. Two were literally united as one again. It weighed so heavily on my heart all day Wednesday. My heart was hurting so bad...still hurting. I wanted the vividness of the dream to go away. You know what I mean about vividness...the feelings of it being and feeling SO real. I can't bear the dream without the reality. God help me.

Then, He tells me through two blogs that His Word says faith is being sure of what I hope for. He knows what I hope for. He knows I've not seen any evidence of it. It's what I hope but not what I see. Thank You, Lord. May I not forget You speaking to me through this verse.

So that day I...
Begged for return. Asked for healing. Feared no restoration.
Pleaded. Begged. Asked. Feared.

I'm writing this verse on my heart. I'm writing about this encounter so I won't soon forget God speaking to me, assuring me, and re-assuring me.

And if that's not enough. There's been a song on the radio for the last several weeks. Here's a few lines that always encourage me. My additions in brackets.

What Faith Can Do by Kutless

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains [that seem impossible]
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling [and resting on my heart]

And I’ve seen miracles just happen [better known as my suddenly]
Silent prayers get answered [amen!]
Broken hearts become brand new [can't wait]
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard [or what you are told]
Impossible is not a word [not in God's dictionary]
It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death [it is scary to follow blindly]
When they decide to take that step.
Out on the water

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing [oh yes!!!]
You will find your way
If you keep believing [that's faith, right?]

Overcome the odds [big odds, but not impossible odds]
You do have a chance
That’s what faith can do
When the world says you can’t [or says it can't happen]
It’ll tell you that you can! [it can happen]

Believing While Not Seeing,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Picture is of my pink spirea

Hollow to Whole

Can I be honest with you all? When I read the title of chapter two, "Flitting To and Fro", I didn't have a clue what flitting meant. I have honestly never heard that word. In case any of you want to stand with me in ignorance and admit it, I'll share its definition: to pass quickly or abruptly from one place or condition to another, to move in an erratic fluttering manner.

Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl.

Lysa begins by sharing how she felt as though she couldn't quite land and figure out what she had to offer after she said yes to God. Oh, are we suppose to figure that out? I still haven't figured out what I have to offer. I said yes to God years ago and am just finally beginning to be where I should've been all those years ago. "Even though I knew in my head that only God could fill my soul, I still found myself wanting my husband and kids to do the job. It just seemed easier trying to get these things from those I could see and touch." Did Lysa just jump into my head and steal my thoughts?

"No person, possession, profession, or position ever fills the cup of a wounded, empty heart." If I might add, none of those fills any heart even a heart not enduring heartache or emptiness. Those things will never bring what our heart truly wants and needs. We ask those things to fill us up. We get that education. Still empty. We get that job. Still empty. We get that job. Empty. We get married. Empty. We have 2.5 children and a dog. Still empty. We get that house. Empty. We add the picket fence. Empty. Car. Pool. Boat. It's a never-ending pit. It's a bucket with a hole, never to be filled completely but always will a slow leak. God is the only One who can plug the hole and fill the bucket.

Then we play the torturous 'if only' game. If only I had this, that, or the other. Lysa shared an example of this and I'll shed my skin and share mine.

I could be really happy and fulfilled if only I had:
♥ a skinnier body ♥ a healed complexion ♥ a husband to return ♥ a more outgoing personality ♥ a higher confidence ♥ a sense of clear purpose ♥ an un-empty home ♥ a big ministry of speaking, teaching, writing

"Becoming more than a good Bible study girl means realizing that apart from a thriving relationship with God, even if you get everything on your list, there would still be a hollow gap in your soul."

Lysa suggest we replace our 'if only' statements "with something that draws your heart into God's truth." His Truth from scripture will never leave us empty.

Instead of "if only I had a clear purpose..."
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Instead of "if only I had a better physical image..."
So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him. Genesis 1:27

Instead of "if only I had a husband to return..."
All things are possible with God. Mark 10:27b
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
And that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:26

Instead of "if only I had a more outgoing personality and more confidence..."
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

Instead of "if only I had an un-empty home..."
Jesus replied, 'If anyone loves Me, he will obey My teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make Our home with him.'

John 14:23 Instead of "if only I had a big ministry..."
He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant. 2 Corinthians 3:6a
Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you. Jeremiah 30:2
I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another. Romans 15:14

"When God's Word gets inside of us, it becomes the new way we process life. It rearranges our thoughts, our motives, our needs, and our desires." God fills every crack in our soul and makes us whole, filled, and complete. God fits our soul like a glove. He fully covers us with His love and truth.

"Living in the moment with God, defined by His truth, and with no unrealistic expectations for others or things to fill me up. Not reaching back for what was lost in my yesterdays. And not reaching for what I hope will be my tomorrow. But living fully with what is right in front of me. And truly seeing the gift of this moment."

Oh, Lysa, you got into my heart and head. I so need and want to do this.

No unrealistic expectations.
Not reaching back to yesterday.
Not reaching forward to tomorrow.
Living fully in front of me.
Seeing the gift of this moment.

Shall I say anymore? No, so see what others are saying at Lelia's place.

Seeking to Fill My Hollow with Him,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Enough is Never Enough

It's been a long time since I did an online study and posted it. Can I still do it? Sure. Am I up to it? Hope so. I've lacked structure and discipline over the summer. I'm ready to have that restored. Even more, I so want a life-changing experience with God through this study. I don't even know that I am a "good Bible study girl" but I want much more than that. I want to go deeper with God. Don't we all want that? It's a matter if we are ready to put forth the effort, to allow our minds to be transformed, and to have our hearts freed.

When Lelia said she was hosting a study on Lysa Terkeurst's new book, Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl, I was tempted. Tempted to do it; tempted to cop out, wimp out, be lazy. To be honest, fear might have been my driving factor to do it. Fear? Yes, fear of what I might miss by not 1) reading this book and 2) processing my thoughts by composing a post. So, here I am. Here I am, Lord. Asking You to change my heart, transform my mind and renew my spirit all to go deeper...deeper with You, Lord.

If the title to chapter one doesn't say enough (no pun intended), then what does? "Trying to Be Good Enough" is the chapter title. I have to admit I was surprised to hear how this feeling resonated in Lysa. It's hard to imagine a woman like her feeling she was not good enough nor acceptable. I've only known of her for over a year but I can't express how much I think of her, respect her, and admire her.

"The heart of a woman is not only deep and wondrous but tender and vulnerable."

Lysa shares how we define ourselves with labels. This is true and I believe the problem lies in the crutch we create with the label. What happens when the label fails? Then where are we? Then who are we? "I was someone's girlfriend, but then we would break up. I was a good student, but then I'd made a bad grade. I was responsible, but then pulled a stupid stunt an wrecked my car."

Clutching to any identity, outside of God's child, will always lead to failure, disappointment, and unmet expectations.

Even with labeling God, we encounter pitfalls. Lysa shares her early view of religion being a good addition to life as "I was keeping up my end of the bargain with God, and He was keeping His." With the loss of her baby sister, anger erupted, her view of God changed, and now her identity did also. She'd no longer be "Lysa, the good girl."

"My flawed ideas of God would only let me love Him when He did good things."

Wow...have we ever fallen into that pit? The pit of judging God or treating God according to what He does instead of who He is? I admit I have. I may not say it outright to Him but He knows when I view Him differently and get my heart hurt over things He did or rather did not do for me. We must be careful to always view God through the lens of who He is and nothing else.

"The thought that I wasn't good enough was more than just a feeling. It had become the filter through which I processed life." If we filter everything through not feeling good enough, we will never see victory. I guess I've never really realized the feeling of 'not being good enough' does filter everything in my life. It's like looking through rose colored glasses. No matter what we look at, everything will be a shade of rose. The green trees will be green but with a shade of rose. The blue sky will be blue with a shade of rose. So, if we look at everything through 'not good enough' lenses, there's no way we'll ever measure up. We'll never see full victory as it will be victory shaded with a little "not good enough".

Having a false perception of ourselves and God will inevitably cause us to run into a brick wall, unable to deny or avoid God and truth.

When Lysa found God with Jeremiah 29:11, she realized her "flawed perception of being identified by my circumstances."

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I'm specifically separating verses 12-13 from 11. I think too many times verse 11 gets all the fame and attention and verses 12-13 get left in the dust. Don't get me wrong as 29:11 is one of my life verses but the following two are so precious, not deserving of being overlooked.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12-13

He tells us we will seek Him BUT we will find Him when we seek Him with ALL our heart. What value is it to seek Him if we don't find Him? So isn't it worth the effort to not just seek Him but to seek Him with all our heart, with our whole heart, with every breath, with every ounce of energy, with everything that exists in our soul?

As Lysa says, it "requires more than just the routine Christian good girl checklist: pray, read the Bible, do a Bible study, go to church, be nice, don't hold a grudge against boys who didn't ask you to couple skate in fifth grade."

Okay, her last one doesn't apply to all of us, just 832 of us.

Gotta love that Lysa and her sense of humor...a woman after my own heart with my own corny sense of humor (that if I must say so myself, brings me much joy to be corny in humor.)

Of these three sentences, one is so powerful to me. "I want my life with Jesus to be fulfilling. I want my beliefs to work no matter what life throws at me. I want to be so certain of God's presence that I never feel like I have to face anything in my own strength or rely on my own perspectives."

I do very much want fulfillment. I want certainty of God's presence. But my mind and heart kept reading and gravitating to the second: my beliefs to work...what life throws at me. As I type this, literally the first line grabs my heart more now. I so want my life with Jesus to be fulfilling. Odd how one sentenced grabbed me so tight last night and another is grabbing me today.

Wanting Jesus. But wanting "wanting Jesus" to be enough. Does anyone feel this? Does anyone struggle with this? Jesus is enough but "wanting Jesus" to be enough for me.

"How might our lives look if we were so filled with God's truth's we could let go of the pain of our past, not get tripped up by the troubles of today, or consumed by worries about tomorrow?" Woah...to be so filled that the pain escapes my heart and sets my mind free.

If you listen to Christian radio, you know Matthew West tells us about going through the motions. Lysa adds that just these good Bible study girl things "will not fill our souls. They must be done with great expectation and heart cry for God to lead us into a deeper and more life-changing connection with Him." [my emphasis]

We can't pray, study the Bible, and go to church for name sake. We can't do those things because we know we are suppose to or fearful if we don't. We must do them with a deep cry from our heart to God's heart to change us and draw us deeper.

"True fulfillment is never found in seeking to do enough, be enough, have enough, know enough, or accomplish enough." Enough is never enough. Enough is a pitfall...a never-ending pitfall. Striving to be enough of anything will never fulfill us. I've tried and I do believe I'm tired.

Lysa's prayer (and now mine too).
"God, I want to see You.
God, I want to hear You.
God, I want to know You.
So That I can follow hard after You every day."

I'm so glad I said yes to God and decided to read this book. To see what others have to say about this wonderful book and exciting adventure, go to Lelia's.

Seeking Him for my "enough",

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Sowing and Doing for God

Where to begin? As I was reading a devotional this morning that moved me to pieces, I felt the Lord saying "you have to tell your story". I had every intention of sharing this story with my small group. However, I felt a tug saying "No, share it with more. Write about it; write about Me." Oh, Lord in Heaven, what honor and privilege to write about YOU. Fighting back the tears, I am now writing, literally without a clue as to how this will be formulated.

Go now, write it on a tablet for them, inscribe it on a scroll, that for the days to come it may be an everlasting witness. Isaiah 30:8

Then they said to Jeremiah, "May the LORD be a true and faithful witness against us if we do not act in accordance with everything the LORD your God sends you to tell us. Jeremiah 42:5

I've been involved in a small group from church for almost two years. I began sharing the responsibility of leading the study with our group leader last spring, knowing that she was leaving the group and I would take the reigns with another lady as co-leaders. In August I found out I would be leading solo. Whoa. Leading, coordinating host homes, organizing, solo. Whoa, Lord. I didn't sign up for that. I didn't sign on the dotted line for that. Surely my name was forged. Are You sure, Lord? Do you remember whom You are asking, here? Remember, me little ol' Paula. Did You maybe get my 'file' mixed up with someone else's? I was hoping to be able to sit back and listen without the responsibility of leading and preparing every other week. I was looking forward to the flexibility of not taking my turn on a week I didn't feel well. I wasn't looking for this responsibility and pressure. But, I trust You, Lord. You had to deal this card this way for a reason and I need to play it, for You. I think I need this accountability. I don't need an "escape clause". I need the discipline and to be held responsibility...to be moved out of my comfort zone and for God to transform my discomfort into a passionate desire.

I digress. So, last week at group we started a new study. It was our first meeting in three months since we broke for the summer. It was "my" group...it was God's group placed in "my" hands and "my" care. It was the first of many firsts. We had a small attendance of five and had the flexibility to get off track a little. The author was questioning herself and one of the things she was questioning was when was the last time she had led someone to Christ. In this list of questions she was proposing to herself, she asked if we could relate to any of them. There were about six or so and I could relate to a few of them, including this one. I admitted to the group, and now to the world, that I don't know that I've ever led anyone to Christ. Correct that...I said I've never led anyone in the sinner's prayer or shared the Roman's road. They piped in and said "oh no, you are a witness by how you live." I said, yes, I hope I am but that I feel guilty for never walking that Roman's road with someone and seeing him/her encounter and accept Jesus Christ.

We shared how we can plant many seeds just by our conversations with others and we are not to be the one that does it all: plant it, water it, tend it, and grow it. I confessed guilt over not planting more seeds in a more direct way pointing to God in my conversations. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be My witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." Acts 1:8

There is one lady I had on my mind that evening. Someone I enjoy very much and think of very highly. I expressed how she's been going through some stress at work and I wanted to share my faith in one of those plantings of seeds. Something as simple as praying for her and telling her so. When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. 1 Corinthians 15:37

Monday afternoon I emailed her expressing my heart and allowing God to do with my expression whatever He chooses.

"I have been praying for you. I’ve been asking God to cover you with peace and assurance and that you will have whatever you personally need to get through this glowing. I know you have been on edge and nervous about this. I have been praying all your nerves will be settled and you sail through this calm at heart."

On Tuesday afternoon, she said "I printed your email." With the stress, drama, and chaos of the day, I wasn't following what she meant and which email she meant as we exchange them regularly. The light bulb went off and I exclaimed "oh." She said she had it laying on the table with her the whole time. The expression on my face must've been 'deer in the headlights' because I couldn't believe it. I think I said, "really?" She continued to say she glanced at it and read it several times during the situation. She said it was very encouraging and she felt herself calm. It seemed to have meant a lot to her...more than I ever dreamed.

Are you serious? Get out of here? I couldn't have made that kind of impact with that small gesture. I'm still in 'shock' and surprised by it. It was just my heart. I had been praying for her. I did care for her state of mind and the calmness of her heart. Like I said, she is one great person and awesome at what she does.

What if I had not done that? What if I had not sent that email? What if that small act, that small seed didn't come to mind during group? Would it really have made a big difference to not do it? I think so. I may never know what that seed will form. [1 Cor. 15:37 above] But, I do know I followed what I believe to be God's quiet (very quiet) voice and His gentle nudging. I only pray He continues to keep my mind sharp and bright, open to more opportunities for some seed plantin'. Show me Lord where to sow Your seeds. Show me to sow.

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well. Ecclesiastes 11:6.

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 2 Corinthians 9:6

Yes, Lord, let us sow generously not for the goal of reaping generously for ourselves but that we would reap generously with eternal matters.

A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough. Galatians 5:9
A little faith. A little seed. A little sowing.

Do you have some seeds that need released? Do you have some sowing that needs to be done?

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Picture is of my gorgeous petunias; one of the few annuals I buy.

The Dead Will Rise

About a month ago I took my 117th trip to Lowe's since April (due to my new home). Granted Lowe's calls my name more due to the yard than the actual home. I've re-done every flower bed with new mulch and with every bed being edged with stones. Many trips to buy only manageable amounts loaded into my small SUV.

If you are like me, every trip to Lowe's means just a quick peak to peruse the garden center's flowers. Just a peak to see if there's anything new. Are ya with me? Is anyone hearing me on this?

Well on this 117th trip I was legitimately in the garden center getting more stones and mulch. I passed a clearance cart. Coreopsis. What? Why are those on sale? They look great, still green, and the buds hadn't bloomed yet. Being a perennial they were $4.98 instead of $6.98. I already had one and love it as it continually blooms with small brilliant yellow flowers. [They are still yellow in my front bed.]

So I purchased two. I planted one in the back where there was already a hole waiting to be filled. The other one resided on the front porch temporarily. I knew where I wanted it in the front bed, viewable from the street. I am really not sure why I moved so slowly to plant it. I was faithful to remember to water it on the porch in its original container. I was faithful. Until...we had many days of heat and no rain. And, I was busy pulling crabgrass (a weed) from the back yard, and planting grass seed. That required attention and water. Yet, my sweet little cory sat alone and unattended.

Opening the front door to finally water it, I found it crying to me "why did you let me die?" I stewed over it for awhile, mad at myself for letting it go. I thought that's five dollars. I just wasted five dollars. Five dollars, I tell ya. Yet, I'll use a coupon to get a dollar off an item. Oh well, lesson learned...don't buy until ready to plant. I was over it and accepted my waste.

Being that this week is compost (yard waste) pick up, I went to the front porch to retrieve my dead coreopsis. It was time to accept that cory had to go to the its new home and be recycled into compost. I was going to dump the whole thing, minus the container, into my yard bag. Imagine my surprise when I see little new sprouts at the base. Wow. I was awed. I was going to cut the tops so baby cory had room to grow and flourish. Wait. I have to photo this. Wait. I have to write about this. What? Bore my precious peeps with this? Yes, stay with me. You know I always have a point, even if long-winded

I had been working in the yard prior to this and I was searching for something to write--opening my mind to let God show me. I had something and began formulating it in my head. Soon after is when I found the dead rising. My original topic had escaped my memory.

As soon as I saw my plant I said (to myself, quietly) "and the dead will rise." This plant is much like our lives and our salvation experience. We die to our self, our old life, and then we rise in new life and new birth in Christ. Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25-26 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:33

When this title came to me, I thought of what God can do with anything dead or dying. Immediately to mind was Christ raising Lazarus from the dead. I've referenced this miraculous event of Jesus' many times over the last two years. Jesus made it very apparent that He did not want to heal a sick man but wanted to raise a dead man. We know Christ had the power to do so and to also get to Lazarus sooner than four days. So then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." John 11:14-15

Many things that are dead, or dying, He can raise and breathe life into:

♥ dead homes (families)

♥ dead relationships

♥ dead spirits

♥ dead ministries

♥ dead bodies

♥ dead opportunities

♥ dead jobs

♥ dead marriages

♥ dead hearts

♥ dead faith

He can resurrect the dead and bring life unimagined. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" John 11:40

Do you think that maybe the power, mentioned in Ephesians 3:20, is partly our believing, mentioned in John 11:40? There is much to be said about our believing or doubting. There is power in believing. There are many accounts of where those 'dying' with ailments rise with health and life because of faith and believing. For a refresher on some of those, read

Master's Touch, Our Faith.

Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well." Luke 17:19

All things are possible with God. Mark 10:27

That includes all resurrections being possible.

Nothing is truly dead with His power of life around the corner, is it?!

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Picture is of the dead Coreopsis rising.

Spilt Glow

We've all heard of split milk. Well, what about spilt glow. That is, Orange Glow the cleaner. A couple weeks ago, I walked out of my house via the laundry room and into the garage. I heard a bang when I closed the door but thought nothing of it. I assumed something had fallen from the laundry shelf onto the washer or dryer. As I returned, I saw it was not just nothing. A bottle of Orange Glow cleaner had fallen but it landed in just the right spot as to break the neck. (Much like our fragile bodies landing just in the wrong place causing fatalities.) So, I picked it up. The solution had not yet run out of the bottle, too much. I disposed of the sprayer top and neck and placed the bottle on the dryer. When I got time, I'd just buy an empty squirt bottle and transfer the solution. Great idea, huh?

Fast forward a few days and I'm doing laundry and somehow, some way, at some time the bottle tips over and splashes all over the dryer. Great. Lovely. I "just happened" to have a hand towel on the dryer. What better thing to use to clean it up. Next thing I know, I'm wiping down the both the washer and dryer. You know how that dust likes to collect. How often do we clean the control panel of our clothing machines? But, mine now sure looks good. I took this towel with the good smelling orange glow on it and proceeded to the master bathroom. I wiped down my gunky countertop.

I pondered on this. Many times (too many times, right?) our milk gets spilt, life happens, disasters come, pain infuses. God tells us we will incur trials and to be prepared. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. James 1:2 [emphasis mine]

Did you catch that? It says whenever, not if you face trials. And, it does not say when we face that one isolated trial over the span of our 80 years. No, it will be many trials and of different kinds. Financial, emotional, relational, physical. Game's on. Door's open. If we are breathing, we would be wise to expect trials and try as we might to embrace them. (Preaching to myself too.)

So, what do we do when our milk spills and we now have a mess? We scoop the milk into the cat's bowl. What do we do when our Orange Glow spills and we have a mess? We wipe down the washer and dryer and anything in sight dirty. What do we do when our life is a mess, our heart is breaking, and trials persist at every turn? We take heart...I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33 [emphasis mine]

We make the best of our spilt milk or spilt glow. We use what we can of the spilt and make the mess somehow, some way worth while. Use the spilt milk, use the spilt glow, use the time waiting, use the pain, use the trials. Stretch, grow, glow.

Spilling that orange glow and then just instantly beginning to clean the washer and dryer, seemed so logical and natural to me. I thought how I wished it was that easy in my waiting, my pain, my trials, my life. I wish I could pick up the pieces more eloquently, more gracefully, more gratefully. I wish I seemed more useful, effective, and purposeful with my time and life while on this path. Living with intent....hmmm.

I'm trying with all my might. I think. I hope...God only knows that. There's a hole in my heart and my human flesh and spirit want and try to fill that hole. Yet at the same time, I try to enhance and focus on the areas surrounding the hole. Making use of my life and the orange glow and milk that did not spill and escape the container. Inevitably with every spill of milk, or orange glow, there should be some liquid remaining in the container. There is still life in my life. There is still purpose in my life. There is still reason in my life. There is still opportunity to grow for Him, in Him, and with Him.

Thank You, Lord, for my spilling my Orange Glow. Thank You for showing me the need and necessity to use it all...what's left in the container and what's spilt on the dryer. You are using my whole life, my whole heart. You are the one to fill my hole and use my hole. Keep me focused on You and the life still remaining in my bottle.

I don't know what those reading this rambling of my heart are experiencing. May you gleam from my spilt glow. May you recognize the glow and milk still in your bottle. May God grant you the ability, power, and desire to use the split glow in your life.

Trying to Glow and Grow from my Spills,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
Enjoy the picture of stolen day lillies.
(Mine didn't look as good so I snapped a picture of my neighobor's...just a few feet from me.)

He Removed the Stump

One of my biggest landscaping pet peeves is to have large bushes or trees in front of windows. Hate it! My realtor can vouch that the first thing out of my mouth upon seeing my house was "if I buy this house, those bushes are gone!" A flowering bush in front of a burning bush in front of one of only two windows. Not happening with this chic.

After snipping on the bushes for a couple weeks in April, I could take it no more. I cut the flowering bush to the ground. (The mini flowering balls stuck like pee. Eek!)

With so many landscaping projects, removing that stump was last on my list. Plus, I paid $17.94 for 'stump remover' and that was going to solve that problem. Consider that project checked off. Fast forward several months to July. A couple times over the last month, I would use my shovel to see what I could do in removing this horrid thing. No luck. What to do? What a wonderful time to have a strong and able man around the house. But this is not the case for now. This last Friday I wanted to finish my front flower bed by laying mulch. The kicker: I really wanted that stump removed before laying mulch.

With my shovel in tow, I began. Shove, push, jump, jab, stab. Okay. This isn't going so well. I get out my hand clippers and might as well get the limb clippers too. Oh, get the hand shovel while I'm at it--I never know when it's sharp point and scooping ability will come in handy. I was trying to be systematic so as to accomplish my goal. Remove dirt, clip a root. Remove more dirt, cut another root. Shovel, push, jab. Sweat. The sweat rolled down my face and into my eyes burning. Oh, this seems so hard. What am I going to do? It's too late to call a pro as I want it done now. I'm determined to do this and have it finished. It's so hot and I retreat for a quick break. A big sip of water and a moment on the porch step. I must continue. I have to follow through. I have to get this done. I began again cutting each root that I could see, knowing with each detached root I was one step closer to being stump-free.

But, this was just not working. I switched gears. I had to step it up. With ALL (and I mean all) my might, I jabbed the shovel hard into the hole around the edge of the stump. I continued this while taking two or three more breaks between gushes of energy. I knew I could not fully stop. I allowed myself breaks which gave much needed rejuvenation. Yet, I knew stopping for the day would deplete all my desire to finish. I felt this approach was working with the intermittent breaks but I was running out of strength and energy. On the last water break, low and behold, I asked God to "help me get this done." What a revelation, asking God. Yes! I returned to jab that shovel with my all. Jab. Jab. Jab. Jab. And I felt it. I felt it was loose. Attached by only one root. The end was near. The end was within my sight. It still took time to maneuver the shovel and get to the very bottom of the stump to clip that last root. Aha! It's done! The stump is free. My goal is complete. My desire is fulfilled. Thank You, Lord, thank You, thank You, thank You!

As I thought about this experience and considered penning it to praise God, I reflected on this being much like my feelings for my true heart's desire: marriage restoration. What a very difficult, painful, and extremely draining journey. Only a handful of friends have traveled this road ahead of me and with me. I can so easily see the correlation between the stump experience and my journey. Simply reading over my words, I could easily see how my words and feelings about my stump aligned with the journey of my heart's desire. The fatigue...the determination...the weariness...the doubts at times...the need for rest and rejuvenation. This is what I felt with my stump and feel with the call on my heart.

The stump:

1. I didn't want to give up.

2. I was weary and tired, exhausted.

3. I saw no results.

4. I wanted a plan.

5. The sweat and pain felt good in an odd way. *

6. I didn't want to do this alone.

7. I knew the benefit of "following through".

8. I was intermittently encouraged.

* There is nothing better than being soaked with sweat, jumping into the shower, getting clean, and putting on fresh jammies

My heart's desire:

1. I don't want to give up or stop believing.

2. I am weary, tired, and exhausted from this journey.

3. I see no evidence of my desire being fulfilled.

4. I want to know HIS plan.

5. Knowing He has a plan and is growing me feels good.

6. I don't want be on this path alone nor live life alone.

7. I know there is great reward to following Him and believing this call.

8. I am encouraged by those who walk this path with me or have gone before me.

What does God say about this?

1. Don't give up.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. Hebrews 10:36 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial. James 1:12

2. I will give you rest.

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

3. Keep believing without seeing.

Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. John 20:29

4. I have a plan for you.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

5. Trust Me in the pain.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

6. You are not alone.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5

7. I will reward your faith.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

8. Be encouraged. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.". John 16:33

Two scriptures that caught my attention while searching biblegateway.com.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again. Psalm 71:20

Then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Deuteronomy 30:3

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Picture is of the stump.

I Remember

I remember the smiles.
I remember the happiness.
I remember the awe.
I remember the elation.
I remember the overwhelming elation.



I remember the deep joy.
I remember the shared joy.
I remember the tears of joy.
I remember the joyful tears of ours.
I remember the joyful tears of others.

I remember the beauty.
I remember the love.
I remember the uniqueness.
I remember the oneness.
I remember the rarity.

I remember the divine intervention.
I remember presence of the Holy One.
I remember the holy union of three.
I remember the Lord's blessing.
I remember the impossible becoming possible.

I remember the unity.
I remember the united spirits.
I remember the unbreakable bond.
I remember the solid union.
I remember two joined as one.
I remember the Father's provision.

This was penned from my heart on April 16th in remembrance not only of one holy wedding day but also in remembrance of a path set in motion by the Almighty this day, July 27th, five years ago, when eyes met and souls joined unbeknownst fully to us. A divine appointment we called it. These words were written about the day of April 16th but also about the relationship between two children of God divinely united by Him. These words still describe the relationship, now broken.

For the relationship is still divinely joined by God. It is still characterized by its rarity, uniqueness, and beauty, of what it was and even more, what it could be. There is still extreme awe and elation over what God created in joining us and what He desires to still do. There is still hope for unity, love, and an unbreakable bond to be restored by the One who joined us in the beginning and designed us as one.

It is still...
two joined as one
the Lord's blessing
a union of two waiting for three

There is still...
the presence of the Holy One
divine intervention
the Father's provision
awe of Him

There is still...
tears

There is still...
the impossible becoming possible.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

I remember when we found this scripture preparing for that special day. It was an ah-ha moment knowing this is exactly what God had done in bringing us together and then joining us in a covenant that still stands. It was as if He wrote that verse just for us. And now, I still claim that verse for all areas of my life.

Please pray for me and beloved. We both desperately need it for different reasons.

Clinging to Him through it all,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Enjoy the unique breed of hosta from my new yard.

Releasing the Storms

It's me, SweetPea Paula. Have you missed me in these nineteen days? I drafted a post last week with pen and would still like to share it but it's not of the genre I usually share here and I'm not sure how it would be received or even if any real interest would exist. I know it's been forever and a day since I've posted. I've searched the Father and asked Him for words, for something to share from Him through me. Nothing has come to me. I've not really had the time...okay, that's not totally true. But, I've not have the emotional desire, seems to be the simplest and concise reasoning.

So, since I've not felt God provide a rabbit to pull out of my heart--nothing spoken to my heart spontaneously--I went to my drafts. Drafts of posts I've started when I feel the Spirit speaking a sentence, a phrase, a paragraph, and sometimes only a title to me. I found a piece where I had sent an email to a dear friend. I pasted it into my drafts thinking at some point I would use it and transform it into a full post.

Instead, I've decided to post it as is. Again, because either God is not giving me the words to change it or I'm not giving Him the opportunity to speak to my heart and change them for me. My heart needs a boost and has been lacking that boost for some time.

I pray this can minister to you "as is." The recipient's name has been omitted and replaced with L. I don't know when this was written but the Memorial Day weekend referenced is 2008. So, this is about a year old.

L,
As I listen to the storm outside about to brew, I think of this storm of life you are painfully enduring. As Christians, I believe they are a part of our call in following God...storms, treacherous storms. My heart breaks for you and I have already lifted my petitions to the Father, the One and Only who can change this situation and transform your daughter's heart.

You are exactly right that it is only when WE let go, HE can begin to work. I believe it is at that point that we let go and we genuinely don't try to secretly crawl back up to the Cross and take it back. When we come to this point, as you stated you have, it is so liberating. That is exactly where the peace is.

Without sidetracking onto me, I indeed did experience this on Memorial Day weekend. As I type this I can see the "irony" of why my incident happened on that weekend, a weekend to remember the dead...for me, a time to release a dead relationship into the Hands of the Heavenly Father. I was totally freed. Ironically, it was through the very mean and so painful words of my beloved that I was able to say "I see, God. I understand now, God. You were waiting on me. I surrender. I let go." And indeed I have. I still have the emotional roller coaster. I still have the ups and downs. I still have the questions. I still have the wondering and waiting and what ifs. But there's something that is resting within my soul that says: "God's taking care of it. You just wait on Him."

Those are the words I give to you. God is taking care of it. You just wait on Him, L.

I too love the conversation you had with God. Doesn't it just change our whole perspective when we realize they are not ours...they are not our children, they are not our husbands, they are not our loved ones. Your God loves your daughter more than you ever could. What better Hands in which to trust her than the Precious Lord.

I'm sure the problems and issues with your daughter will not escape you immediately or soon. As it seems, many times, we must wait on the Lord. Often times, the problems with our loved ones is not just about them but also doing a work in us. The Lord will use this time not only to draw His daughter (your daughter) to Him but to also draw you (His daughter) even closer to Him and to prune you. Oh, the bitter sweet pruning of God. His pruning indeed is very painful but the end result is beautiful. Just as we prune our flowers and hate to see them be reduced to stubbles, in time, we see the bountiful beauty that blossoms.

I love you, my dear sweet friend.

Oh how I'm brought to tears reading this again. Selfishly, wishing, hoping, praying for that exhilarating feeling I had over a year ago after my revealing Memorial Day experience. That feeling of assurance. That feeling of calm. That feeling of peace. I remember how clear His voice was to me that day and in that revelation. What an awesome assurance to know clearly when we've heard the voice of the Almighty.

Unfortunately, I can say I still have those same ups and downs, roller coaster feelings and questions regarding this situation of my dead marriage. Still have the wondering, waiting, and what ifs. Still anxious of what's happening on the other side of my mountain, what God is doing, and how much longer until I get to see the view from the mountaintop...to see the result of His magnificent work waiting just on the other side of this painful mountain journey.

I do want to say that I hesitated and considered replacing the words "my beloved" with "another" to further protect. However, I feel it is important to know with whom the situation involved to show the huge gravity and thus making the revelation so much stronger. I do not include that reference to defame but for understanding. What I should've received as a devastating experience and negative conversation, God made into such a beautiful conversation with HIM. I have shared my own regretful amount of hurtful words so that statement in no way is of judgment.

My prayer for you is that this touches you in the depths of your spirit and in whatever situation you find yourself. May God's power be released in the midst of your storms as you release your storms to Him.

I'm no scientist but I've been told the eye of a storm is very calm. Can you imagine? Envision being there...the storm is brewing all around you, a terrible frightening tornado as we have in my parts, but the Lord is holding you in the eye of the storm. He is holding you ever so calm. His calmness radiates onto you. Chaos is all around you. The storm is devastating and destructive. Yet, it will not destroy you/me because we have the great Shelter from the storm. He does not say He will protect us from the effects of the storm but He will protect us from defeat and destruction. We may have downed power lines, houses destroyed, trees laying on cars, broken relationships, death, job losses, financial turmoil, but He won't let any of that defeat or destroy us.

As I read this post once more before publishing, I'm reflecting on that joyous feeling over a year ago. Praying for some of that calmness, assurance, and peace to return this beaten and weary soul still wondering what to do, what to think, what to feel about this hidden but hopeful joy over the mountain.

Releasing Unto Him,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

A Broken Heart...Over This?

I scratched this in pen on Tuesday because I had to get my feelings out. I've not had time to type it and I'm a little scared. Scared that the wrong idea will be construed from it. Scared my heart will not be understood. Scared my thoughts will not be accurately shared. Scared my words won't be received the way they are intended, in love and concern, with much passion.

If you are here now, please stay with me to the end so you can capture the whole picture of what my heart has to say.

Here it is...my heart...open...raw...fragile for pain.

Why is my heart broken over this? Why is this constantly on my mind? Why am I so sad over this? Why is this such a heavy burden to me?

For the last month I have been praying. Praying for two I've never met. Praying for a man and woman I can't call friends. Praying for those across the country. I've been asking the Lord to not let it be so. Asking God to work a miracle for all to see. Asking the Almighty to do the mighty.

I've been watching as the world watches, gossips, and accuses. I've been watching for the Lord to do for another what I've asked Him to do for me. All signs right now say my requests have not been fulfilled yet.

Though my heart feared reality, it still clung to hope. Then my heart was crushed. I kept repeating in my head the words I read. "Initiated. Dissolve. Marriage. Ten Years." And their names in print (screen). There is something so reeling, so impacting to see it in print. I know each time I saw my name in print, it killed me all the more, bringing the reality home once again.

No, Lord, I cried. Please no Lord. At that point, my hope for this not to be true died. Yet, almost immediately a new hope came alive. This petition to dissolve something holy was just that. Only a petition. Petitions can be and are removed all the time. Just visit rejoiceministries.org. So this beautiful hope was renewed...a new hope and prayer. Lord, use this time to restore the union of one man and woman you bonded ten years ago. Lord, use this very public marriage to publicly display Your power to all. Lord, may You crush the enemy's efforts. He is the one who has lit the fire of dissolving this marriage, any marriage. We know that marriage is satan's number one target. So Lord, may You finish in a mighty way what satan started. Please Lord, turn his bad intention to forever destroy a family into a glorious reconciliation of a marriage that is stronger than ever imagined.

So, why is my heart still so deeply pained? Why on the evening of a terrible anniversary of mine did I lose it? Two years ago on June 22nd my life forever changed; my heart sent into shock. Yet, two years later, I "survive" this date. Until. Until 11:00 pm when crawling into bed, I began sobbing uncontrollably. As I lay there I felt like I'd never fall asleep. I got up to get some medicine to aid my sleeping yet I couldn't control my tears. I still can't explain the deep sobbing. I believe a combination of the significant date, hearing the devastating news of this public marriage, and all this happening the same day.

Why is this weighing so heavy on me? It has affected me as though it's happening to a close friend. It has affected me as though it happened to me, again! There are so many similarities with them and us except for the eight kids, the tv show, and the rumors/possibilities of affairs. I can see me in her (disrespectful words) and I can see my beloved in him (emotional effect of that).

Rumors are rumors. Tabloids are tabloids. Details are details. And, they all really don't matter. Pointing and blaming don't matter. Personally, I believe this marriage, like so many, succumbed to the breakdown of communication. Communication is key to any relationship, especially a marriage. It is vital. And a failed marriage because of bad communication seems so senseless. (I don't mean to imply bad communication alone simply causes a divorce but it begins the cycle of the hard feelings, lack of "feeling" love, lack of Ephesians 5, etc.)

Who am I to be an expert on what has happened in this public marriage? Am I just adding to this by bringing it up? I hope not. I don't believe so. Rather, this is an opportunity, I suspect, for God to use what I've endured to possibly share with others. I have become so sensitive to the issue of marriage and the "d" word. I do not judge or condemn anyone who has divorced. Rather, I seeing it as God sees it: to hate divorce and to honor marriage.

I hate divorce, says the Lord. Malachi 2:16
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

Any failed marriage can be healed. I believe mine can be. I believe the G's can be. I believe yours can be.

I know many have blasted K for her disrespectful words and actions toward J. No, they weren't lovely. Yes, they were hurtful. Yet. Yet. As I hesitate to pen this, as satan probably doesn't want me to share this, but I pen this for His glory. As I said previously, I saw me in her and beloved in him. I had that same disrespectful tongue and that same "attitude" that caused such ugly words. Oh, the ugly words I regret. And then, I saw a change in K. A realization of the behavior brought to light. Just like in me. I also heard her desire to not travel this road. Just like me. I heard in J a desire and excitement of the seemingly free road ahead. Just like my beloved. I understand how these ugly words and actions can affect husbands and any man.

I know all too well exactly how she felt as it seemed she spoke straight from my heart: "I'm tired of smiling on the outside when I'm crying on the inside." Then she shared how she just can't remove her wedding ring. Of course, the media had to take notice that she still had it on. Just like society...to believe we must comply to what is socially acceptable. Husband leaves and files and we are to remove our rings. Well, sweet one, I too know how this feels. I wore my rings for five months all through the separation. I continued to wear them for two weeks after the law said we were no longer married. I still was not really ready but felt pressured by what others thought, saying I was in denial. My heart would probably still wear my rings two years later if it weren't for having to explain myself and feel looked down upon. I too understand the shock of lawyers being involved. I understand it all. I'm not an expert but boy how I believe K and I could relate.

Yet, none of these hurts of husband or wife are beyond the healing of God and His power. Words of no hatred existing, they said. Yet, does that really mean a lack of love? Love is a choice. Harsh words, and many things, can cause us to not "feel" love and that is understandable. One does not feel loved or feel like loving in such situations. However, if we resolve to do love, we will feel love. We do love in action and the feelings will follow.

A fork in the road was mentioned by this sweet couple. We hear it often--we've come to a fork in the road and have to decide. Yes, we do have to decide: to move forward on one of the paths in the fork or stand still at the fork not moving (which is not always bad). The great thing is, if we choose the wrong path at the fork, our Heavenly Father will lovingly guide us back. Not only will He guide us back, but He'll make use of our time on the "wrong" path--on the path we chose, most likely chosen for ease or less pain. Isn't that what our flesh wants most often, the path of least pain and most ease? But, is that path really the most beneficial even though easier and less painful? There is so much to be gained from choosing the hard road and seeing God be faithful to use it for our best, for something we cannot even imagine in our feeble human minds.

Please know this post is not about me jumping on the band wagon and piping in "along with everyone". Rather, it is my heart, breaking ever so deeply and genuinely. It is my passion for marriages and to see them saved. It is my deep belief in knowing the power of God to not only restore marriages but make them stronger and better than imagined. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

May I never be seen as a dog with a bone but a soul with a heart and a heart with a passion.

Three nights later and I still found myself tearing up at a clip on tv regarding this precious couple. There are so many couples who are hurting. If you are married and there is even the slightest sign of trouble, please seek help. If your spouse has divorced you and wants nothing to do with you, seek the Lord. I believe He will honor your plea to restore your marriage. Why? Because we are to honor marriage...that means of all people, God, will honor marriage. Will He not honor your plea and restore your marriage, in His time and His way?

Please call upon His mighty name and power to heal the hurting marriages and to resurrect the dead marriages. It's never too late with God. I regularly pray for many marriages along with my own. I even pray for marriages who don't ask for prayer and aren't wanting restoration. I guess one can say I pray and believe when others can't stretch far enough to reach for that hope and belief.

Listen to what our beloved Beth Moore says. "Feelings can be a little like our laundry. Sometimes we can't sort them until we dump them on the table." [pg. 53, A Heart Like His study] That may or may not relate fully to this post. However, reading it yesterday morning, I felt pressed to include it here.

Brokenhearted But Believing,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

The picture is an asiatic lilly from my new yard.

"I Know How You Feel"

Well, here's the first Tuesday with no online Bible study. I'm taking a break this summer from participating in sweet Lelia's online study. They are starting Embrace Grace by Liz Curtis Higgs on June 23rd if you'd like to join.

Instead, I'm using this time to do some catch-up leisure reading...reading some books I won a looonnngg time ago and others I received.

Saturday, June 6th, I was perusing my local Traderbaker's (indoor flea market/yard sale thingy) looking desperately for a "red" wagon. I'm having NO luck. It doesn't even have to be red nor the original Radio Flyer one. I just want it for doing yard work. At any rate, I came across the Beth Moore study A Heart Like His for...get this...five dollars. Count them....f.i.v.e. five dolla (no misspell there). Can you believe I actually contemplated not getting it? I continued the aisles for my seemingly hopeless search of one old, beat up, wagon. I came back and thankfully obeyed the spirit moving in me to buy it.

Can I say it has been a blessed and wonderful week? Now don't get me wrong, Beth, David, and the study are fabulous. But, more than that, I love what it is doing in me. I'm getting up earlier and have about 25 minutes instead of 10 minutes of Bible reading. I love the aid of studying sweet David as I have long desired to know him better. I've long desired to know this one man who is referenced by God as "a man after My own heart." Oh, to be called a woman after God's own heart by God Himself.

So, I'm just loving this. Nothing against strict Bible reading but this has stirred in me something wonderful. It's given me the help I needed to really want to learn more about these O.T. peeps. Even though this study didn't start in the earlier chapters of 1 Samuel, it peaked my interest to further study those chapters and learn more details about the "odd" anointing of Saul and the beginning of his reign as king.

A friend also leant me the accompanying reading book several months back so I look forward to finishing my current evening reading so I can begin reading this book that goes with the study.

Not that I didn't enjoy my time with God and reading strictly from His word, but I wake so excited to do this study. Okay, I lie. So I don't wake excited. I hit the alarm still too many times asking do I HAVE to get up and go to work? But after that, I look forward to it.

Okay, I see when I have no real topic at hand, no huge divine word from God, I ramble.

So, let me get to the word God said to me ever so clearly this morning. Though I fail at times, I try to use many of the opportunities in the morning to pray, specifically while I'm in the shower and while I'm drying my hair.

So as I sat at my vanity, listening as always to my K-love station, "One Life to Love" by 33 Miles started playing. In the last month or so, that song has really been getting to me as I "fear" time will run out and not allow certain things to be shared and spoken between two people. I desire so bad for the frailty of life to be seen and that this is our (human race) one chance and also "our" one chance to love as God says to love and then follow God in His plans. [Vague but many should understand what I'm saying.]

So, I said this to God: "I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me, who rejects me."

And God whispered: "I know how you feel."

Wow...He does know how I feel multiplied by thousands, millions, trillions.
How many reject Him? How many does He love who don't love Him? How many times does He send out His love for it not to be returned?

That's about all I got from Him in that moment. No promise for my rejection to end. No promise of when love will be returned to me. No promise of my weariness of this path to subside.

Just His understanding of knowing how it feels to be rejected and to not be loved in return.

Oh how my heart hurts even more for my beloved. Oh how my heart still feels confused. Oh how my heart still cries out Why? When? How long, Lord?

For now, I must rest in His understanding and His love.

Trusting His Guidance for my path,

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

P.S. Please pray for me over the next couple weeks. I have no idea how I will feel with the two-year anniversary of June 22nd...when my life forever changed with a broken heart that still is in shock at times. When I walk in the door with no hug greeting me. When I want to pick up the phone to share something fabulous. When I'm awestruck by God and want to relay that. When I see something enojoyed by both. When I buy myself a shirt and think "he would like this." When I paint my toes for crying out loud, I remember the comments.

Courageous Living

The last chapter. The last week. But not the last lesson. Our lessons are never ending in this walk of faith. Come with me, as we explore chapter twelve, "Living with Courage".

Micca opens with reminiscence of the Wizard of Oz friends traveling the yellow brick road in search of things which, unbeknownst to them, they already possess: brain, heart, courage.
It's only through the journey, seeking what we desire to possess, that we learn we have that which we desire. The scarecrow had a brilliant mind. The tin man had a loving heart. The lion had a courageous soul.

"Do we see ourselves as we really are--equipped and able to face life with wisdom, love, and courage?" My immediate thought to the first eight words is, no. I don't see myself as I am. It goes back to the low self-esteem I believe. All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:16-17

"We have what we need to succeed." And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

When I hear the word wisdom, I always think of the book of wisdom in the Bible: Proverbs. One of my daily devotions is going through the Seven Pillars of wisdom. The author says that any church/pastor who doesn't urge believers to read through Proverbs is doing a disservice to their/his sheep.

How do we gain wisdom? Through experience and making decisions based on experience. James tells us also how to gain it. If we lack wisdom, we can ask God, who generously provides. James 1:5 More than wisdom, I desire discernment. I don't want to simply make wise decisions, but rather desire to determine God's will, God's best, God's plan in my life. Therefore give Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people that I may discern between good and evil. 1 Kings 3:9

Sometimes, wisdom only comes through waiting. Waiting can sometimes be wrongly associated with passivity and inactivity. Instead, waiting should always be accompanied with seeking...seeking after God's direction with obedience in each step. "Until we have peace, we shouldn't move in any direction." That's great advice and not foreign to me. I've heard it many times previously. I wait for you, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:15

"You and I don't have to be listed in Who's Who to know what's what. All we have to do is ask God. Our first step toward bravery is to meditate on the knowledge of God."

Have a heart. Do it with heart. Play with heart. So much of what we do involves our heart. To be passionate and passionately involved. Sacrifice of self. Loving others, loving others above ourselves. Love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 19:19 That's a tall order. A tough call to answer. None the less, we are not asked but commanded to do so. It can be overwhelming when we consider "who" is our neighbor. Everyone. Anyone in need. This task can cause insufficiencies to shine in the spotlight. Yet, "we can turn inadequacy into victory by using our heart. Through this process courage proves we can 'do all things through Him who give me strength.' " Philippians 4:13.

"Heart gives us the courage to do extraordinary things with our ordinary lives, things that we never dreamed possible." I love this prayer of Micca's: "Lord, break my heart with the things that break Yours." As with the lion in Oz, Micca believed "I could do anything if I only had the nerve." These thoughts that we all have are somewhat contradictory because in the most scary situations, nerves (in the good sense) don't exist.

How do we face our fears with courage? How do we have courage when stiffened by fear? "Courage is not the absence of fear as you might think. Rather, it withstands fear. Courage means being brave in spite of fear or hard circumstances. In other words, you and I have to experience fear in order to be courageous." [my emphasis] Have you ever pondered that? I never thought it about it like that. We can relate it also to the idea that we can't acquire the character of patience without being in some trying times of having to wait. Some joke and say don't ever ask God for patience because He'll give you trials and make you wait. Maybe. But if we're going to have to endure, we might has well do it with the peace of patience.

When we realize God can do so much with so little, we'll be freed from our fears, nervousness, and inadequacies. If we give Him our heart and commit to be courageous, the world of opportunities will be vast. I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done. Psalm 118:17

"We find our faith by doing it afraid." Read that again. Let it soak. "When one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear. Knowing what must be done does away with fear." Wow. That is so true yet I never verbalized it that way. When we are determined to be obedient and to follow God's call specifically for us, the fear fades because we know we are safe on His path and will be equipped with what we need.

"It's funny how fear always brings us back to faith." How very true. As a believer and follower of Christ, it is Him to whom we run (hopefully) when we are scared and consumed with fear. I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Micca described her fear and terror of speaking at her first large church. She shared with her audience that night about becoming guardians to her teen nephew. She spoke of us all being orphans until we are adopted into God's family. Six girls from a girls home were there. Several people that night gave their lives to Christ, including three girls from the home. "I was humbled as I watched what God had done not just through me but in me."

I love to hear what others hear from God. This whisper in Micca's ear is no exception. It absolutely warms me to the depth of my heart. Listen. "My sweet child, I didn't need a big-name speaker to speak to this audience tonight, because I-Am-Big-Enough."

He doesn't need a big name anything....artist, writer, cook, teacher, speaker. He doesn't need a perfect-over-the-top mother, friend, cook, servant, housekeeper, daughter, wife. He only needs a willing and obedient servant. Got it girlfriend...He doesn't need you to be over-the-top in what you do or who you are. Just be obedient and serve Him, my friend.

Willing...At All Costs for Him,

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